


they don't know (about us)

by calvinahobbes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Closeted Character, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Homophobia, Jamaica Trip 2010 (Phandom), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-04-23 16:27:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19154734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes
Summary: Dan and Phil in Jamaica, July 2010.





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. This is not what anyone actually said or thought or did.
> 
> My greatest thanks to kouredios for being an amazing beta and cheerleader throughout the writing process! Thank you to autumnhearth for being so kind when I came into your inbox rambling about Jamaica. And thank you to felucca for the amazing [compilation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jvWU7l1PkA) that sparked this fic in the first place.

"Ready to de-couple soon?" Phil asks but reaches down and takes Dan's hand in direct contradiction to his words. He supposes he just wants to make the most of these final chances for semi-public displays of affection.

They're on a train on the way to the airport, heading for Jamaica. Phil still can't quite believe his luck, but it does indeed look as if the tickets in his plastic folder are genuine. They will find out soon enough.

Dan has been vibrating all morning, excited on some scale Phil hasn't seen before. He's excited in a different way from when they went to Los Angeles last month, his laser-sharp brain seemingly fogged over with some new emotion Phil can't quite pinpoint yet. He has already made them get up twice, once to go find a conductor to make sure they really would be at the airport a minimum of three hours before the boarding time stamped on their tickets, and once when he was dead certain he had forgotten to pack the new camera and made Phil help him pull his suitcase down so he could check, after their noodly arms had already struggled just to get the bloody thing up there. Since then he has been alternating between saying absolutely anything that pops into his brain, which can be incredibly scary when they're in public, and staring off silently into space and gnawing on his thumbnail. 

Dan's awareness seems to take a long time to come back to Phil, his eyes only slowly regaining their focus at his question. He flicks his gaze down to their joint hands and gives a belated squeeze. "Only during the day. When we're out."

Phil hums and leans back, resting their hands in his lap, glad to have Dan's attention back.

Dan looks at him more closely. "At night I expect you to earn your keep." He wiggles his eyebrows in a silly manner that's somehow not at all suggestive.

Phil laughs. "Shouldn't that be the other way around?" he smirks.

"Oh, you're right." He widens his eyes and turns to face Phil more fully. "I guess I never _properly_ thanked you for this incredible opportunity, Mr. AmazingPhil, Sir." 

Phil nearly jumps out of his skin when Dan moves their joined hands to rest directly on Phil's crotch and fights down an undignified squeal. Dan laughs like the little shit he really is sometimes and slumps back in his window seat, dimpling so prettily. Phil glances around the nearly empty compartment, but there are still no fellow passengers anywhere in their line of sight, so he leans in to press a kiss to that dimple.

When he pulls back, Dan, mercurial as ever, is once again looking at him with a quiet, serious expression. "No more of that for a while." He sounds genuinely put out at the idea, so Phil gives him another brief kiss, on the lips this time, before pulling back. 

"It's not like we do that all over the place anyway. It won't be that different." A part of him has to believe that or he is going to feel like a fraud the whole time he's there.

The thing is that this is a proper business trip. They are going to Jamaica with all-expenses paid to test a new state of the art waterproof Sanyo camera along with a group of other YouTubers. Phil is there specifically as AmazingPhil, and Dan is there as danisnotonfire. 

AmazingPhil and danisnotonfire are not boyfriends. They're friends who make weird funny videos - sometimes even together. 

Their personal lives are personal and don't belong in the digital film rolls of twenty other YouTubers who will have their own cameras out the entire time. They've talked carefully about this and they are in perfect agreement. 

Nonetheless Phil is not sure how this is going to play out. He's never done anything like this. He's never had a long-term boyfriend before Dan, much less worked closely with one, much much less gone into a social situation of this magnitude ready to omit this significant part of himself.

But he is determined to think about this in the long term. And the frustrating fact of the matter is that being one hundred percent out is still likely to be detrimental to their careers, both separately and together. He tells himself it's not a lie, barely even an omission, really, just a prudent decision to be discreet while they're on a job, among strangers.

It's Phil's turn to have zoned out for a while and when he looks back at Dan he has on his earnest theatre kid face. “It's nobody's business but ours,” he says in a terrible American accent.

“Don't joke! That's horrible!” Phil whines. “They die at the end!”

Dan laughs mercilessly. “I’m quite sure a PDA-free week in Jamaica won't kill you, Phil.” He looks him over more carefully. “The sunburn might if we don't watch out, though.”

The sun always gets to Phil, even when he's trying his best to be careful. “Please don't let me burn,” he pouts.

“I won't,” Dan says, running a hand briefly over his face. “I’ll nag you every second to remember your SPF 500.”

“You're a good boyfriend, Dan Howell.”

“You bet your sweet ass I am.” Then he laughs. “Fuck, we’re going to last five minutes before everyone knows. Like that time you filmed that video without covering up your hickey.”

“How is it my fault you're a vampire leech?”

“Excuse me, who's the biter in this relationship?” 

“You,” Phil pouts and Dan gives him a fond eye roll in return. 

“You're going to have to control yourself, you monster,” Dan teases and Phil tries not to squirm in worry. Controlling himself around Dan is not really his strong suit...

In the airport Dan is back on his worst behaviour. 

He wants a drink before they check the luggage, then he wants to look at the boarding screens, then suddenly he wanders off to find a snack, leaving Phil to battle the horrible self-service check-in machines and the long unmanageable stickers on his own. Once he comes back he only teases Phil about the stickers being all wonky. He fairly refuses to be helpful in any way, even pretending to have lost Phil's folder with all their tickets and travel info only for shits and giggles. 

Just when they're ready to get in line to check the bags his drink catches up to him and he leaves again to go to the bathroom. When he finally comes back it's Phil who has to go. Phil's becoming batty with all this chaotic energy, and now the line to luggage check-in is miles long, which makes Dan moan and complain, even though he's the cause of all their delays.

Further on up the line a guy is actually holding a surfboard in the middle of the airport. Phil nods in his direction so Dan will see too.

“He's hot?” Dan asks, and Phil hadn't really thought about it but now that Dan mentions it, it's very obvious. 

He looks like the quintessential surfer, long blond hair messy, board shorts and sandals looking well-worn, broad shoulders muscled under a colourful t-shirt. Phil nods and shrugs his shoulder.

“How long do you think he takes to get his hair to look like that?” Dan jokes. “Do you think you can buy a special surf spray to spritz in when you're very far from the ocean?”

Phil laughs quietly. “Maybe you can in California.”

“You’d hope he was from California or something. Imagine if he had, like, a thick London accent.”

“It's all just a look. We went for emo, he went for surfer. The board is just an accessory.”

“Do you think he's going to take it as hand luggage?”

Phil does his best impression of a Cockney. “Do you mind? This window seat is actually reserved for my surfboard.”

They laugh so loudly that a nearby couple of pensioners give them dirty looks. They're wearing fanny packs and matching sun visors inside, which makes Dan almost choke laughing, clutching at Phil and sounding like an asthma attack. Phil blushes and tries desperately not to make eye contact with anyone else near them.

*

They play lots of games all the time. It's one of Dan's favourite things about being with Phil; he always has an idea or is ready to join in, and never gets angry or fed up with Dan's silliness. It started on their trip to Blackpool, which was mostly cold and damp and needed quite a bit of imagination (and sex, of course) to really be considered a success.

At first they would just make up stories about the people they saw on public transportation, Phil invariably coming up with outrageously weird stuff about alien bodysnatchers and secret wizards and Dan usually going for lewd or funny anecdotes just to see if he could get Phil to blush or giggle. Of course sometimes they will accidentally forget that they are in public and say something really inappropriate or too loud and people will give them weird looks. This usually always makes Dan laugh uncontrollably and Phil nearly die of embarrassment. 

Slowly, however, the game evolved to also include comments on who they considered fit. Dan thinks Phil started this bit, but he's not sure. All Dan really remembers is the rushing, sucking sensation in his stomach the first time he dared point out another man.

It's not that they hadn't talked about people they found attractive before that, but it had mostly been during lazy Skype conversations, and mostly in relation to movie stars or celebrities. Fiction and distance created a buffer of safety around the ideas. Phil had barely reacted, thankfully not sensing Dan's nerves, merely responded with a hum of agreement and changed the subject when Dan didn't say anything else. 

By now Dan is quite comfortable talking about attraction with Phil. He feels grateful every time he is allowed to express any opinion and Phil just receives it, makes room for it in his mental map of Dan's likes and dislikes, without any concern or worry. It makes Dan feel mature and grown up. It makes Dan believe that they're strong together and that he doesn't need to worry, because Phil might be momentarily distracted by a pretty passerby, but he is sharing even that brief lustful thought with Dan, and he's going home with Dan. Or he's going to Blackpool with Dan, or to London with Dan, or to Portugal with Dan. Right now he's going to Jamaica with Dan.

But the game becomes a whole lot less funny and easy in this moment in the airport when Dan comes back from the restrooms and sees Phil chatting to the very bloke they had been talking about earlier. Dan has picked up coffees for them on the way - well, coffee for Phil and a chai for himself - and is looking for Phil in the lounge by the gate when he spots them sitting together. The guy is fit, taken straight out of some surfing magazine, a total cliché with bulging arms and long messy blond hair. 

They're chatting away as if they are old friends, turned towards each other in the cramped plastic seats, bags sprawling around their feet. Their conversation looks quick and animated, and Dan actually hesitates for a moment before joining them. He's standing right in front of them by the time Phil sees him. He looks up then, tipping his neck back and giving Dan a quick, distracted kind of smile. 

"Dan! This is Sam, he's headed to Jamaica too!"

The brawny surfer dude shoots him a thousand watt smile. "Hiya, mate. You Phil's friend?"

Most of the time, almost all of the time, it doesn't bother Dan to just call Phil his friend, but in this moment he has an outrageous urge to cross his arms over his chest and tower over this stranger and say "no". Instead he nods casually and hands Phil his coffee, which he takes with a gratifying sound of approval. He takes a sip and sighs with contentment, and Dan's shoulders relax minutely. 

Then Phil says the worst possible thing: "You'll never believe this. Sam's going to the Xacti thing as well!"

Dan can't help giving Sam the Surfer another once-over. "Oh, really? Are you a YouTuber? I don't think I've ever seen any of your stuff." He doesn't really mean to be condescending, but he's not feeling any compunction to be polite.

"Yeah, likewise," Sam says without a hint of malice, completely oblivious to the sting Dan feels at those words. "But nah, I just do a lot of watersports for competitions and stuff. I recognised Phil here, though. Pops up in my recommended every once in a while. You make some weird stuff, mate." 

Phil looks inordinately pleased at this, but for once Dan can't find any of the gratification he usually feels when other people commend Phil for his videos. Dan plops himself down on the scratchy airport carpet in front of Phil and Surfer Sam, folding his legs under him and sipping his chai. Part of him is hoping this will make Sam realise he's in Dan's seat, but he and Phil continue talking as if Dan isn't even there. 

They're deep in some technical mumbo-jumbo about editing programs, mostly a soliloquy by Phil. Dan has been attempting to balance his cup on his forehead for a while in lieu of anything better to do when someone brushes past his back and he drops the cup splashing cool leftover chai over the carpet, a few drops getting on the travel itinerary and boarding passes sticking out of Phil's messenger bag. He catches the cup with one hand and lifts the messenger bag with the other, quite dexterously really, but Phil just frowns at him and snatches the bag out of his hand. "What are you doing?" he says, and he doesn't even sound like Phil but like Dan's parents when he's mucking about in public and they're annoyed by his lack of attention. 

"Sorry," Dan mutters. "I'll get that." He goes in search of some paper towels, embarrassment and anger churning in his head as he cleans up the spilled drink as best he can and goes to chuck the paper in the bin. Phil and Sam keep talking the entire time, and Dan is sick of waiting for the plane to board. "Wanna go exploring?" he says, loudly, and cutting Phil off in the middle of a sentence.

Phil frowns at him again, glancing briefly back at Sam. "Aren't we about to board?" he asks.

Dan shrugs, "Not for another 25 minutes." He points to the screen above the gate. "We've hardly done any exploring this time." He doesn't want to add too much of a pout to his voice, but he also suddenly desperately needs Phil to choose him over Sam. 

Phil looks at Sam again, who waves a hand magnanimously. "It's fine. We'll have plenty of time to talk during the week, I'm guessing. Looks like Danny needs to run off some steam before we get on the plane."

Dan bristles at the nickname and at how Sam can play the cool older grown-up, just because Dan messed up a little and doesn't want to sit here and be third-wheeled while Sam chats up Dan's boyfriend. But Phil takes his bag and stands, looking at Dan to lead the way, so at least Sam is good for something. 

Dan doesn't actually know what there is to explore, but he is determined to have an adventure so he leads Phil along briskly until they come to a silly-looking sculpture they can make fun of. Phil is beginning to thaw slightly, but then Dan makes the mistake of attempting to climb the thing and is immediately told off by passing airport security, which makes Phil step in and begin apologising profusely until the security officer is mollified. He takes off with a final admonishment for Phil to keep his "little brother" in check.

The unfairness of it all is almost enough to make Dan want to scream. These people don't know him. They don't know that just yesterday _he_ was the one with a fully packed suitcase and Phil still hadn't done any of the laundry he had been talking about for days. They don't know that without him Phil would have been lost at LAX for days. They don't know that if he hadn't made them get back up and film when Phil just wanted to stay in bed there never would have been a (crappy, distracted, lax and boring) E3 vlog. They only see a kid, an irresponsible trouble maker, and the worst thing is that suddenly Dan is afraid that it's all Phil sees as well. 

They keep walking until the boarding call is made. Dan keeps fidgeting as they wait in line, and all the while Phil is shooting him concerned and annoyed glances interchangeably. The only good thing is that they don't see Sam again, even though Phil scouts for him more than once.

This weird mood persists throughout the whole of their flight. Dan seems to need desperately for Phil to find him funny and interesting, and the more desperate he becomes the more Phil snaps at him, glancing nervously around them and whispering to Dan to keep his voice down. 

It's exhausting and it makes Dan sad, and so eventually he goes quiet, leaving Phil to read his Stephen King novel and staring out the window at the clouds until he's dizzy. He needs to feel closer to Phil, so he takes out one of the staticky airplane blankets and throws it casually across the both of them. He shifts so he can lean closer to Phil and sticks his arm under the blanket, into Phil's seat, and takes his hand. Phil lets him without any comment, shifting slightly so they can reach better. For a while their hands are clasped just normally, but eventually Phil intertwines their fingers. Suddenly it feels like an apology and an acceptance of it, the silent contact finally soothing Dan's frazzled state. He falls asleep not long after and doesn't wake until the pilot announces that they're landing.

*

Phil is prepared for the amount of cameras in advance - every YouTuber present has been gifted one - but it seems to him as if Dan hasn't really thought about it until they get to the resort. There's an informal, cameras-off meet and greet for everyone to meet each other in one of the lounges on the first night, and Dan goes from jittery and excited to quiet and slightly more introverted the moment he sees all the new people. They've been to YouTube events before, but maybe it's the locale or the fact that there's a larger ratio of loud Americans here, Phil doesn't know. But it makes him worry about Dan all over again, and it makes him want to reach out with a comforting touch, but he can't so he just sticks close and tries to exude a relaxed attitude.

"You guys ready to party all week?" The voice is male and distinctly American, exuberant and familiar. Phil should be used to meeting people he's only seen on his computer, but there's always a disconnect the first few seconds. He manages to stare dumbly for just long enough that Dan must feel the need to jump in.

"So ready," Dan says, a bit timidly and far too British for the tone of their new friend.

"Awesome," is the reply. He sticks out his hand to Phil first, probably because Phil is closer. "I'm Charles. You AmazingPhil? I think I recognize you." He says it easily, as if it's mere chance he's even seen one of Phil's videos. Which it probably is.

Phil takes his hand and isn't at all prepared for the violent bounce and squeeze. "Yeah, uh, nice to meet you."

Charles Trippy turns his gaze back on Dan. "And I'm sorry, I don't think I know your name."

Dan seems to fare better in the handshake department than Phil did. "I'm Dan, danisnotonfire."

Charles tips his head back and lets out a laugh from deep in his chest. "Oh man, I love that, that's so great! You Phil's friend?"

Dan looks very pleased, peering interestedly at the older man. "Yeah, we came together."

There's a sour note taking up residence somewhere in Phil's gut, but it makes no sense so he ignores it.

"That's awesome. Dan. Phil. We're gonna be good friends, I can tell." He leans in and slaps Phil on the back. Phil smiles vapidly into the air; Charles is so far into his personal bubble that he can't turn his head to make eye contact or they'll practically rub noses. Then Charles is gone, already moving on to some other people who seem more equipped to deal with him.

"Don't mind him," a short brown-haired woman says. "He's always like that." She smiles kindly at them. "I'm Alli, it's nice to meet you." Her handshake is much easier to deal with than Charles'. They mumble hellos. "Did you boys get a chance to see your rooms yet? We got one on the second floor and it's just so gorgeous."

Dan nods, his excitement from earlier briefly returning. He had dumped his suitcase right by the door and made a running leap at the bed closest to the window the minute Phil had finally got the keycard to work. "Oh yeah, ours too. It's awesome!"

"Oh, you're sharing? That's nice." She says it easily enough, no hint of sarcasm or disapproval at all.

Phil doesn't know what possesses him to say, painfully casually, "Yeah, we got a double. Easier when you're traveling together. We plan on doing a lot of joint content for our channels."

Alli just nods and smiles. "Must make coordinating a lot easier, doubling down."

"You know what they say," Dan deadpans. "Keep your friends close - and your enemies closer!" He leans towards Phil ominously as he says it.

Alli laughs. "Yeah, I think I've heard them say that." 

They all laugh and chat a bit more before moving on to meeting everyone else.

It's late when they finally get back to their room, after dinner and a few drinks. 

Dan's got some color high in his cheeks, his eyes a bit glassy from the long day. He goes to flop on the bed again, starfishing his limbs comfortably. "Charles Trippy is so cool," he says dreamily.

Phil stands inside the door, feeling as if he is back on the vibrating plane, tired and sore from traveling and worrying. "Yeah?" he mumbles, not wanting to sound annoyed, but hoping Dan will move on to another topic now that he's let it out. He doesn't.

"Yeah. He's just so nice? And funny. Like a cool older brother." He is still utterly relaxed, turning his head to look at Phil.

"I thought _I_ was cool," Phil mock pouts.

He doesn't fool Dan, though, who pulls himself up on one elbow to observe Phil better. There's a shine of recognition in his eyes, nothing mean or bratty yet, just seeing Phil - noticing in that way he does. Phil thinks he should move somewhere, go to his suitcase and get out his toiletries.

"You are," Dan says easily. Then that glint, the horrible one, the bratty one that he was sporting all day during transit, comes into his eyes again.

"Don't," Phil says warningly, not even knowing what he's about to say, but knowing it will be awful and funny and terrible all at once.

"But more like a cool dad."

"Don't!" Phil whines.

Dan sits up, mean laugh on his beautiful young face. "What's wrong? Don't want to be a daddy? Mmm, a fit--"

Phil has no option but to tackle him. Dan cackles in delight, probably too loud considering there are strangers right next door, and goes back down on the mattress easily. Phil covers his mouth with his hand, then replaces it with his own mouth. 

"You're horrible," he mutters against Dan's lips. Dan kisses his upper lip gently, as if in apology, but doesn't reply. "You can't say stuff like that." They kiss properly, slowly.

"I'm just joking. I wouldn't say it around people." He stretches his arms up and runs his hands up and down Phil's back, soothing and massaging in turn. "I just think my cool older boyfriend is fit as fuck," he sighs. "And I get to spend an entire week with him in freaking Jamaica."

Phil hides his smile in the crook of Dan's neck, kisses him there just to feel the slight shudder. "That's one thing. But. Saying stuff... like that..." He doesn't finish the sentence, not sure where it's headed and pretending instead to be distracted by Dan's skin under his lips, kissing softly and slowly.

"And I guess I like to mess with you," Dan murmurs directly into his ear. Phil's cock is beginning to take an interest.

"I'd like to mess with you right now," Phil murmurs back.

Dan throws his head back and laughs again, that mean straining laugh that makes Phil frown and giggle at the same time. He never quite knows what sets it off, and maybe that's why it annoys and delights him at the same time. He wants to make Dan laugh, but at Phil's jokes not at Phil himself. "Who says that!?" Dan guffaws.

"I do," Phil says and traps Dan's wrists against the mattress, pushing just a little.

Dan rolls his head to look up at him, fringe falling across his forehead. "You know who else does? Old men."

"Shut up," Phil pouts.

Dan's smile is brilliant like the Jamaican sun. "Make me."

Phil falls on him, kissing and pretend-biting, scraping his teeth carefully across Dan's neck and chin and lips and cheeks and even his cloth-covered shoulders. Not too caught up to remember that they're on holiday with a bunch of strangers with cameras, and that they'll probably be in nothing but swim trunks most of the time.

"Fuck yeah, mess me up, you dirty old man," Dan says, voice deep and gravelly, but still with that teasing edge.

Phil rears up with what can probably only be described as a growl. His right hand lets go of Dan's wrist and goes back over his mouth. Dan's big brown eyes stare up at him, going dark with lust. Slowly he lets his thighs fall open under Phil, his left arm staying limply by his head where Phil left it. Phil sits back a little, letting Dan's other wrist go as well in favor of letting his left hand trail down over Dan's body to his dick, which is already hard and straining under his trousers. He gives it a rub, and Dan's breath gusts over the back of his hand, a deep keening sound rising out of his chest.

Then there's a flurry of activity as they both sit up to pull off their trousers and t-shirts, but they fall back in the same position, Phil kneeling between Dan's thighs.

"Fuck, Phil, touch my cock," he says, so Phil covers his mouth again, but does as he asks anyway, pushing his boxer briefs out of the way and gripping him tightly in his fist.

Dan moans loudly behind Phil's hand, perhaps a bit for show, but his eyelids flutter and he seems to strain to keep them open, gaze boring into Phil's who feels as if his own breathing is too loud, too heaving for how little they're really doing. Dan's hands come up to his shoulders, first running through his hair and then caressing down his arms as if he just wants to feel Phil's skin.

The soft skin of Dan's cock under his palm is becoming tacky, the glide stuttery and potentially painful, but Phil doesn't want to pause again, so he only lets go briefly to lick his hand and spit into it. They keep eye contact the entire time, and he feels an electric frisson run down his spine as Dan heaves for breath under his other palm, Dan's eyes sliding briefly shut as if the view is just too much for him. 

Phil tugs quickly, none too kindly, twisting ruthlessly on the upstroke and clutching tightly before going back down. His breaths are practically whining out of him, and Dan's fingers dig briefly into his shoulders before he quickly lets go and transfers his death grip to the sheets beneath him. There are tears forming in his eyes as he twists his face away, Phil's hand slipping onto the mattress, and he comes with a sharp but quiet cry all over Phil's hand and his own stomach.

Dan shudders and licks his lips, turning back to look at Phil and pulling him close by the nape of his neck. He licks obscenely into Phil's mouth and hums contentedly, making Phil's own neglected cock jump. "Mmm, touch yourself, babe," he mumbles, body lax and voice orgasm soft.

Phil doesn't waste another second, transferring his sticky hand from Dan's softening cock to his own hard and straining one. His gaze is roaming all over Dan, his chest, his arms, the mess on his stomach, his half-lidded eyes and full bottom lip.

"Yeah, you like it," Dan purrs, and Phil can't stop himself from panting harshly. "Dirty old man," Dan smiles. Phil has to grip himself by the root for second or his orgasm will be over before he even knows it. "You wanna come on me, old man," Dan murmurs, stretching languidly underneath him. Phil squeezes and pumps and feels like his arm is about to pop off, his wrist beginning to hurt, but he's chasing it now. "Come all over me, Phil, I want you to," he says, and Phil does, letting go with a punched-out whine and a groan.

He slumps forward across Dan's prone form even as his dick is still jumping, waves of pleasure radiating down his back and through his limbs. Dan's arms hug him close, the mess between them sticking uncomfortably, but Dan just sighs contentedly.

"You're evil," Phil mumbles against his chest.

"You love it," Dan smiles.

"Love you," Phil replies, not caring a jot that he's a sappy idiot. They breathe for a moment.

Dan squirms. "Let me up, I gotta pee."

Phil groans but rolls over to let Dan out. He drifts for a bit, hearing Dan rooting around in his toiletries, brushing his teeth, letting the water run in the sink. Then Dan comes back and makes him go clean up, which he does with minimal grumbling.

"I don't want anyone to think that's why I'm with you," Phil murmurs later, once they're snug under the covers. "That I only like you because you're fit and younger and I can boss you around."

"I don't care what anyone thinks," Dan says, his eyes dark and shining.

"Not anyone?"

"Not anyone that doesn't know us for real." Dan reaches out to slide a finger down Phil's forehead, over his nose, rubbing against his bottom lip. "And anyone who knows you would know you'd never boss me around."

"Unless you ask nicely," Phil feels compelled to say.

"Oh, Phil," Dan smiles. "I'll never ask nicely." 

Phil huffs out a breath, but it doesn't quite manage to be a laugh. 

Dan slides even closer, their knees knocking together, feet tangling. "You haven't changed your mind, right? You still want us to be incognito."

Phil looks him over carefully, but Dan's face is relaxed and open. "Yeah, I think it's for the best. We don't really know anyone here."

Dan nods his head minutely on the pillow. They've had this conversation already, several times, back home before they even decided to go. "It's different for, like, Charles and Alli." 

He hates that it's true, and that Dan can say it so casually, just accepting it at face value. But Phil knows that it wouldn't be the same for the two of them, that if they didn't have their thin veneer of plausible deniability there would be no going back. They would both be branded in a million different ways, boxed in and limited in their future options whether their futures were separate or joined. They tell each other it's no one else's business, that they're not technically lying, that they're only doing what's best for their tentative careers, but part of him still feels like a fake. Mostly a part of him, a petty, animalistic side of him, wishes that he could lay claim to Dan in a way that wouldn't leave any room for doubt. 

Dan goes to sleep easily enough soon after, worn out by the day's many activities. For once Phil is the one lying awake, thinking things over, mulling over the events of the day and their plans for the week to come.


	2. Day 2

The resort is absolutely stunning, and Dan couldn't have anticipated it in even his wildest imagination. They have a room on the second floor, the window on one side overlooking a truly paradisal view of azure ocean and emerald green coastline. The tropical air wafting through the white, gauze-like curtains around the four-poster bed smells of the sea. It is leagues more luxurious than their stay in Portugal, and Dan can't quite believe he is this lucky. 

It really is extraordinary that Phil convinced Sanyo that Dan should come as well. He is officially here on business, in order to film videos for their YouTube channels. If someone had told him a year ago that in twelve months he would be sequestered in a 4-star resort in Jamaica, with his boyfriend, on a business trip, he would have laughed in their face. 

Business, however, means that they both have filming schedules and plans to carry out. There’s no lie-in for them on this trip, and they’re up much earlier than either of them would like, but Dan is also incredibly excited to get started. In that way Phil is actually way ahead of Dan, because he has already filmed his introductory video for Xacti-Passion’s YouTube channel, and he even managed to plan his interactive adventure so far in advance that he could plug it in his video. (Dan doesn’t think he will ever cease being amazed at Phil’s mind - the quirky shit he comes up with, sure, but also just his ability to carry an idea from initial 2am spark to completed multi-part project.) Dan’s intro video is still waiting to be filmed. He had it in his mind that he wanted to frame the highlight reel from his other videos with a shot from the beach, but he wants to wait for the sunset for maximum effect. This morning they'll go on a boat and try to film some watersports.

“Ugh, I’m never going to be ready,” he scoffs. He’s standing in front of the mirror in the foggy bathroom, trying his damnedest to straighten his hair. Behind him Phil hums noncommittally as he gets out of the shower. Dan takes a moment to stare blatantly. “Do you think they make weapons grade GHDs?”

Phil catches his eyes in the mirror, wrapping a towel around his waist. “You look... well, it’s kind of flat?”

Dan snorts and looks back at the bird’s nest on top of his head.

“You could just leave it. Soon as you get in the water it’ll just be wasted anyway.” He shrugs.

“Nooo,” Dan whines. “And look like a troll!?” 

Phil makes claws of his hands and growls at him in the mirror, so he growls back and Phil huffs a laugh. “You look so cute when you do that with your face.”

“Excuse me? Cute? My face? I’ll do _you_ with my face.”

“Ooh, yes please. Later, though,” Phil says and pats him on the bum as he goes through the door to the main room. It’s not what he meant (although he’s not sure what he meant) and he rolls his eyes, but his chest is bubbling in delight at their easy banter after the strain and intensity of the day before.

“Nooo!” Phil yells from the other room. Then there’s a crash and a thump and Dan throws the GHDs in the sink and rushes out to see if Phil has just been murdered.

He is standing by his suitcase which has been completely upended and staring forlornly at the contents.

“What the hell, Phil? What's all this mess?” he shouts.

“Lion,” Phil wails. “My lion of inflatable destiny! I forgot it at home!”

Dan sighs. Of course. “This is what you get when you pack at the last minute.”

Phil gives an epic pout. “Thanks, mum.”

Dan strides across the mess, or at least tries to, and pulls Phil into a hug. He’s still damp from the shower, and his hair is wet and cold against Dan’s neck, but he tugs his face there as if he really is heartbroken. 

“My lion. My script. All my beautiful plans,” he moans, and Dan rubs soothing circles into his back.

“We’ll think of a solution. You can still film your adventure. Wasn't it only supposed to be in that one scene?”

“Only!” Phil cries and pulls away slightly. “It was the ultimate scene! The resolution to the whole quest! I made a sketch and everything.” His lower lip is just too much for Dan to resist, so he kisses it very gently.

“You’ll make it work.” He tries to exude confidence and focus on his faith in Phil's creative abilities, and steps down hard on his own inane desire to say "I told you so" again. Phil doesn't need to hear it, and it won't change anything anyway.

“You’re a good boyfriend,” Phil says, almost as if he has just been a witness to Dan’s thought process, but he still looks mopey and frustrated at his misfortune.

“I know. Now let me go so I can get this hair nightmare over with and we can get some breakfast. We can brainstorm while you try out all their cereal.” 

He moves to go, but Phil holds him back, kissing him sweetly one more time. “I love you.”

"I love this place!" he's enthusing not half an hour later when they find the breakfast bar loaded with American cereals. "Fruit loops!" he cries, and some rich lady stares at him with such distaste that Dan wants to stick his tongue out at her. 

It seems as if Phil's initial despair has been forgotten, and when they run into Charles and Alli he seems perfectly fine cracking jokes with them. They end up at the same table, at Charles' suggestion.

"Did you have a good night's sleep?" Alli asks.

"You disappeared right after dinner!" Charles exclaims. (Charles seems to mostly exclaim and rarely just talk. He is a quintessential loud American, Dan is beginning to realise.) "We ended up going to this weird-ass house party in one of the villas. It was pretty far out." He sounds enthusiastic, but Dan's not really sure what half of those descriptors are supposed to mean.

"We were kind of knackered," Phil shrugs. "Long day of travel."

"Right, right."

They veer off into a longer discussion of where they're all from, what England is like, what Florida is like... It doesn't take them long before the topic of YouTube comes up, though.

"We looked you up yesterday," Alli reveals, giving Phil a slightly sly look.

"Yeah, man, you make some far out stuff!"

"You guys are pretty cute together, though," Alli says, and Dan feels as if her attention on them both has sharpened.

"The viewers seem to think so," Dan replies, and Phil looks down into his fruitloops.

For a moment the conversation pauses as if at a crossroads. Dan tries to keep his face expressionless. He almost holds his breath. But then Alli looks away and takes a bite of her croissant.

"I don't know what it is, but your whole energy can just change when you have someone in shot with you," Charles muses. "The viewers love that shit. Alli used to not really want to be in my videos. Kinda had to persuade her." He reaches over and squeezes her neck. 

Dan is suddenly enormously aware of his own hands, of how they aren't allowed to reach out to Phil in a similar manner.

Alli squirms out of his grasp, "It was weird, okay? Like, the thought of me just out there on the Internet for everyone to judge? Ick!"

Charles shakes his head at them. "Such a girl. They love you, Alli."

"Most of them do," she says wryly. "Anyway, I'm much more comfortable with it now."

"452 days and counting," Charles laughs.

"That's honestly so amazing," Dan says. Charles Trippy has vlogged consecutively for over a year now. "I'm so impressed. How do you manage to film every day?"

"Well," Charles says and leans back in his seat. "It's different for me, right? I'm not doing any of that creative content. Like that snow adventure stuff? You must have edited that for days."

"We did, yeah," Phil shrugs, and Dan studies Alli studying Phil.

"I just have to turn on the camera and talk," Charles continues. "The trick is to let it run and not edit it too crazy. It's supposed to be a little rough; it's authentic."

"But it's about your energy on screen as well," Dan says. It's something he's been thinking about. "Phil has it too, like this..."

"Presence," Alli supplies when he can't seem to think of a word.

"Yeah. I have all these ideas. I get all these images in my head of what a shot should look like, or what I want to sound like when I talk. But then when I turn on my camera I just become so awkward, and when I look back at it nothing is the way I imagined it." He looks up from his bowl of cereal and they're all looking at him with pity.

"You just gotta keep it at it, man," Charles says then. "From what I've seen you've got plenty of presence yourself. I bet the girls all just wanna eat you up." Dan blushes and Charles laughs. "Am I wrong? I bet you get wild offers all the time." When Dan scoffs he laughs even harder. "Oh no?"

"Charles!" Alli punches him in the arm. "Stop it, they're just kids!"

That offends Dan even more, and he sits up straighter. Charles is perhaps older than them, but Alli must only be around Phil's age. "I'm 19, I'm not a child. Yes, I get comments, and girls recognise me in the street sometimes and go batty. But I'm not interested in that."

"Yeah, I mean I wouldn't wanna pick up some crazy fan!" Charles shudders. "I mean, if they don't try to harvest your toenails they're probably just trying to hitch a ride." 

He is beginning to feel oddly like he would sometimes at school. His stomach churns in a mixture of embarrassment and anger, the way it would right before he would say something weird that would get his arse kicked more often than not. He knows this feeling, and yet he also knows that he is powerless to stop himself when he gets this way.

He puts on his most guileless face and says, "I was a huge fan of Phil before we met. I'm really lucky that I get to share a room with him right now, so I can both collect his toenails _and_ appear in all his popular videos."

For a second Charles and Alli are deadly quiet, just staring at him in surprise and maybe a little outrage. Then Charles starts laughing uproariously and slaps his hand on the table a couple of times so the plates rattle. "Good one, Dan!"

Dan feels whatever sense of unease had been building in him dissipate and smiles crookedly.

*

The Xacti crew have scheduled a frankly daunting list of activities for them, at least in Phil's opinion. Today they're going out on a boat to be taken through a rigmarole of tubing, waterboarding, kiteboarding and kayaking. He thinks of all those only the kayaking sounds mildly palatable. He tries not to sound too apprehensive, however, as Dan has hopes for a video while they're out there.

They have to walk a short way to the dock where the boat and guides will be by to pick them up, and they keep company with Charles and Alli on the way there. By the time they show up most of the people who are going out have already assembled, but Phil has no desire to really interact with any of them. 

"Don't you want to talk to your pal Sam?" Dan asks, looking expectantly at Phil.

Phil shrugs. "Nah." 

He doesn't really know why Dan even asks. They'd only spoken briefly in the airport in their joint travel excitement. Seeing Sam here waiting for the boat in what is clearly his natural habitat, Phil just feels awkward and geeky, keenly aware that he and this friendly, muscly individual have nothing in common. He actually feels like hiding behind Dan for a little while so as to not be forced to engage with any of these people who are still just strangers to him. 

Dan senses his awkwardness, and silently moves in a little closer, long body blocking people from brushing up against Phil or even coming too near. His shoulders relax slightly and he feels such love for his boyfriend, who really does so much for him all the time, and allows himself just to observe for now.

It takes the boat so long to arrive that people begin vlogging out of restlessness and boredom, which makes Phil feel even more awkward and as if he has to put on an even more formal face than just his "being out in public" face. He wonders again at the wisdom of even going on this trip, or at least at how exhausting having all these cameras around will really turn out to be. He's already feeling quite strained as he smiles and nods into Charles' camera.

Eventually the boats arrive - plural because there are so many YouTubers. Once again Phil spares a moment to appreciate how good he and Dan are at communicating silently as they manage to finagle themselves onto the boat with Charles and Alli. They are by far the lesser of all these YouTuber vlogger evils, he feels. As they get on board and spend a bit more time waiting around, Phil just keeps close to Dan.

This Dan is more subdued still than the one from last night's gathering. He's got on his "speaking to adults" voice, and he's listening attentively to the instructions from their guide, Hercules. Phil thinks this must be A-Levels Dan, the one who would impress teachers enough for no one to bat an eye at the idea of him going on to study law. He's honestly so different from the hyper energetic teenager who was kicking up a storm in the airport yesterday. The fact that these are all just sides to Dan fascinates him no end. But even more importantly he feels as if they're a team again, moving in tandem, with similar goals always in mind.

"Hey, Phil," Dan says, "we’re on a boat," as if just to prove Phil's point. They laugh together and Phil barely notices Charles picking up the comment and sending it spreading among the rest of them. His and Dan’s conversation has already moved on, and they're sitting next to each other on the slippery white plastic seat while the boat gets ready to cast off...

Dan truly becomes his port in a storm on this excursion. Phil's worst nightmares are basically confirmed right away. As soon as they have reached the spot for all their activities, two of the girls are let onto the tube, which is essentially a rubber dinghy, and then dragged after one of the boats. Their screams fill the air as the boat zooms around on the water, going this way and that way and even around in what must surely be dizzying circles. There's a weird feeling in his stomach, a creeping kind of worry mixed in with a strange urge to not lose face in front of all these people he doesn't know, all of whom seem genuinely excited to get to go in the cesspool of death for themselves. It takes him a while to realise that he recognises this feeling. Worry and peer pressure; it's exactly like P.E.

Dan is clearly not as affected by the whole set-up as Phil is. He seems to have really come out with the intention of trying things, and he doesn't seem worried as such about what the others will think. "What do you say?" he asks quietly.

Phil shrugs, slightly uncomfortable. "I'm just worried I'll fall on my face."

"I'm sure it won't matter. Their goal is kind of to get you to fall in eventually, right?"

"I know. I just don't want to tip off at the first wave." He looks out at the tube where the next pair of people are screaming and whooping over the foamy waves in the boat's wake. 

"Phil," Dan smiles. "Do you literally think you're weaker than Nadine and Sophie?"

"I'm not exactly a body builder." 

Dan snorts, but it's a gentle sound. "Really? Could've fooled me." He pauses. "You're fine."

Phil does hear all the things Dan can't say right now, and he appreciates them a lot. He doesn't usually feel so insecure about his body, but being around wakeboarding people like Sam with actual six-packs is not exactly good for his confidence, and the tubing honestly just doesn't look fun to him. But he also knows he needs to get with the programme soon, before Dan takes his hesitation seriously and backs off. He knows he'll have to spend a lot of time convincing Dan to go without him, and he wants to make sure Dan gets whatever footage he wants for his channel.

"Alright, let's do it," he says.

"Yeah?" Dan says, staying right where he is and looking Phil over carefully. 

Phil is honestly so thankful that he doesn't jump at Phil's concession immediately but actually gives him a chance to take it back. "I wanna do it," he says, and that's true in a way. He wants to be someone who wants to go tubing.

Before they get onto the rubber tube, Dan skips over to the motor boat itself and hails the pilots. He only talks to them briefly, making a few short gestures with his hand, but Phil still feels a deep sense of relief before he's even back. "Told them to take it easy because I get dizzy," he explains as he passes Phil to climb on. 

Phil tries not to stare too obviously at him, but he's feeling a lot of things in this moment. He wants to tell Dan that he doesn't have to cover for him, but he also knows he would do the same for Dan. "You're great, you know," he murmurs quietly into the space between them where they're lying on their stomachs on the tube, but then the tube is tugged into motion and Dan doesn't reply.

It's exhilarating and terrifying and fun all at once. It's like a rollercoaster only a lot worse, because he's not strapped in and he's holding a camera in one hand and there's a motor boat freestyling up ahead. Whenever they crest over one of the waves the tube takes to the air, and once or twice it actually feels as if they've come entirely untethered from the boat. The sick lurch of his stomach once they go down again makes him scream, but it's alright because Dan is screaming right along with him. He never really manages to get the hang of anything, but it feels like they're on the tube for more than just 10 minutes before suddenly they come up over a particularly tall wave and the tube tips and they spill off into the water, Phil feeling like he really does face-plant right into the ocean.

Once they're back on the boat Phil is feeling a lot better. It's like when you've finally managed to kick the ball in football and you're off the hook for a while after. He feels like he's done his part and he can relax a bit more. Maybe they can even have a little time just to themselves in one of the kayaks. 

But first he's going to need to re-apply his sunscreen since he's been in the water. He's kind of secretly proud for remembering to put it in his cross-shoulder bag, which is really their joint bag that they've agreed to take turns carrying. 

"SPF-500," he says idly as he rustles around for it but comes up with Dan's instead. Dan silently holds his hand out and then starts applying it to his own arms and chest while Phil keeps looking for his underneath their crumpled t-shirts. "I know it's in here."

"Did you put it in the front so you could find it?"

"Oh, yeah," he laughs.

"Idiot," Dan says fondly. 

He thinks he does a good job putting on the sun-screen, remembering all those easily forgettable places that have tricked him in the past like the thighs a way up under the swim trunks and past the elastic waist and inside and behind his ears. He can't reach all of his back, which is usually not a problem at all, but suddenly he feels very awkward, surrounded on all sides by these people who aren't supposed to know. 

Clearing his throat he says, "Dan, could you help me with my back, d'you think?" and almost wants to die from how loud and formal he sounds.

Thankfully Dan seems as if he's barely paying any attention, just saying, "Yeah," and holding out his hand for the bottle. He raises his eyebrow at Phil when he hands over the sticky container, and Phil knows he wants to complain about Phil being messy even though he doesn't say anything, so Phil makes a face in apology. 

When he turns around to give Dan access to his back he immediately makes eye contact with Alli, who seems to have been watching them. He feels his stomach plunge and looks away quickly, reminded of the evaluative way she was looking at them this morning at breakfast. Dan's hand on his back is impersonal and efficient and it doesn't take long for him to rub the lotion onto the part of Phil's skin he couldn't reach himself.

"Now me?" Dan says, perfunctory and already turning around. 

"Yeah," Phil mumbles, fumbling with the bottle and squirting out too much so he has to wipe some of it off on his towel. He is painfully curious as to whether Alli is still watching, but he forces himself not to glance her way. He thinks Dan's back is already a bit tanner than yesterday, his freckles standing out differently now, but he can't even enjoy it properly. His hands are practically shaking as he's making weird wiping motions with almost just the palm of his hand, but thankfully Dan doesn't comment.

"Aw," Alli says then, which Phil takes to mean she has been keeping her eyes on them the entire time. "It's good to have a buddy. Did you have fun, Phil?"

"It was terrifying," Phil says. "So yeah."

She laughs at that, and he feels better. She may be seeing more than he would like her to, but at least she's a good person and he feels he can trust her...

Alli gets in a kayak not long after and is shortly dragged into some crazy stunt where Sam is going to try to jump over her on his wakeboard while she lies flat down in her little yellow kayak. Phil thinks Charles is impressively excited considering his fiancée could end up with a concussion. He doesn't think he would feel quite as calm if Dan had got the same idea, but he doesn't say anything like that. The first jump is quite nerve racking, but eventually even Sam's wild stunts become repetitive to watch and Phil loses interest. At least watching Alli finding her way around makes him remember he wants to go kayaking, too. 

They commandeer one easily, and it's quite a relief to get some distance from everybody else, Phil discovers almost as soon as they're out on the water. Even with the motor boats' engines still a constant angry roar, the sound is less deafening just a little bit farther away. 

They go exploring along the vegetation coming into the water off the coast, talking loose and fast about what they see. He wouldn't exactly say he's been holding back on the boat, but now that they're alone he finds himself babbling along about sea creatures and eels and giant dangerous "cuddlefish", while Dan is huffing and laughing along in the seat behind him. They're making plans for what scenes to film when they get back to the resort (he wants Dan to be the Lion guide, and Dan wants to make sure they film the sunset), and he finds himself slowly becoming excited about everything all over again.

*

"My arms hurt," Phil moans. He's lying propped up on a bunch of pillows in the bed, and he does look tired and sore.

It reminds Dan of earlier today; Phil's apprehensive pout at the idea of going tubing, and his exuberance once they had done it. Dan had been so gratified with his attention all day, his interest never straying to Sam at any point, and he had stayed close to Dan the whole time. He realises his anxiety in the airport was probably never really founded in anything except his own weird issues, but it feels good to know that he is still the person Phil most wants to spend time with.

Dan snorts at him, though, and says, "Don't moan. You'll come home buff and tan from all this exercise in the sun."

Phil cracks an eye open to look at him. "You should be nice to me. I'm physically incapacitated and require sympathy."

"Oh are you? That's bad luck," Dan muses.

Phil opens his other eye, and he's got that look on his face. Dan almost laughs at how obvious he is, but there's also a small thrill rolling down his spine just from being the object of that gaze and not having it filtered through a screen of any kind. 

"I seem to recall you saying something you could do with your face." Phil licks his lips.

"Hmm, I'm not at all sure what you mean," Dan says, but he walks slowly closer to the bed. 

"Come here, I can show you." His pupils are impossibly large, cheeks pink. He reaches out a hand, but then whimpers and lets it flop back. 

Dan laughs a little again, but it's too fond to be teasing, and puts a knee on the bed. "You really are incapacitated. Maybe you'll just have to explain it to me." It's a small joke, because nine times out of ten Phil ends up non-verbal within the first few minutes of them getting serious. But Phil nods eagerly and sticks his bottom lip out, so Dan has to bite it and lick it.

He thinks Phil tastes like seawater as he sinks fully onto his lap. This is obviously not surprising since he hasn't bothered to shower yet. But Dan's pulse is already kicking up with curiosity at the thought of how the rest of him will taste, a new combination of Phil and brine. He gets lost licking into his mouth over and over again, their kisses moving like waves, but Phil's arms stay still at his sides not touching Dan. Dan runs his hands down his arms, massaging them carefully, taking great big handfuls of Phil's soft flesh and kneading gently. Phil hisses quietly into their kiss but doesn't complain. Eventually he gets to his hands and intertwines their fingers, palms gloriously touching palms. 

He leans back slightly, their lips just barely brushing against each other and opens his eyes. It's a dizzying sight having Phil up this close. Then Phil opens his own eyes and makes a noise of surprise or pleasure. They stare at each other while they kiss until Dan's eyes begin to strain and he leans back with another small, private laugh which Phil answers. 

"You're gonna go all cross-eyed," he murmurs.

"Promise?" Phil asks and Dan sits back further and rolls his eyes.

He tugs at Phil's t-shirt. "Off." 

Phil hisses as he raises his arms over his head, and Dan tugs harder, gets it off and throws it on the floor. 

"Poor Philly," he says and kisses his shoulder, across his collarbone, the soft skin where arm meets chest. "Are you sore from rowing us about in that kayak?"

"Probably," Phil pouts.

"My hero," he says and kisses Phil softly on the nose. 

He is suddenly overcome with how sweet Phil has been today, how attentive and trusting, how he never makes Dan feel young or weak but only ever like his equal. Everything he does for Dan and with Dan seems to come from a place of enjoyment and respect, and he never loses sight of that, even when Dan does and perhaps teases a bit too much. He’s feeling such a sense of fondness that he's afraid it will crack his chest open, and he needs to let it out somehow.

The drawstring of Phil's trunks is still damp and slightly crusty, and Dan struggles with it. He leans his forehead against Phil's chest and looks down, but it's more distracting than helpful, the sight of dusky pink nipples and sloping belly. The knot comes undone, and he laves his tongue over a nipple to celebrate, Phil's gasp ringing in his ears.

Phil had debated shaving his chest hair before they had gone and Dan had vehemently opposed that idea, the coarse scratchy quality of it adding an extra dimension to the journey from one nipple to the other. It had been one of the things about Phil that had fascinated him from the very beginning, a peek of his chest hair down his t-shirt in a video one of the first things that had sent Dan spiralling with want. It was something that served a double function for him, both emphasising Phil’s maleness and his difference from Dan whose own chest is still hairless. 

He licks across the patch of hair now to the other nipple, revelling in the sensation, and presses a wet kiss to the tiny nub. He nips over it softly, laving it with his tongue next, setting up a rhythm of soft wet teasing until he feels Phil squirm underneath him. Then he reaches up to the other nipple and twists it carefully as he bites down on the one beneath his lips. Phil makes the most pleasing grunt and Dan's own cock leaks a little where it's straining against his trunks.

He surges down, pulling Phil's trunks down and releasing his cock, which looks red and straining as it settles against his stomach. Dan never would have guessed how just the sight of Phil's hard cock would bring him so much pleasure, the image much hotter than any porn he has ever seen. There's something about the intimacy of being allowed this close, of Phil trusting him entirely to make him feel good, that makes him feel incredibly turned on. He's seen this sight any number of times now, but it still fascinates him every time. Once he got over his initial shyness he used to make Phil embarrassed at how long and hard he'd just look at him. 

Phil is used to it now and obviously not in the mood for any more teasing. He puts a clumsy hand on Dan's face, thumb resting on his bottom lip, "Dan…" he says, and Dan has to close his eyes briefly against the look of pure lust in those blue eyes.

They've been teasing at it for so long that Phil is wet at the tip, but Dan starts at the root where his taste is darker and more musky. The taste is everything he expected, an exhilarating new combination of skin and seawater. He licks stripes up towards the head without ever quite getting there, lapping up the taste and rolling it around on his tongue, and Phil is beginning to pant like he's out running. 

His hand comes up to tangle in Dan’s hair, just holding softly, but he lets it fall down again quickly. Dan lets out a sound of petulant disappointment and reaches down to put Phil's hand back, but his fingers feel dumb and lax under Dan’s hand so he keeps his own hand up, clutching their joint fingers against his hair while Phil squirms and moans his name again. He can't hold back any longer so he slips his mouth around Phil, holding him against his tongue and sucking as much flavour from him as he can.

There's some kind of calm quiet mood over them tonight, some soft bubble Dan doesn't want to burst by speeding up or complicating things. He just wants to lie down between Phil's thighs and suck gently for as long as he can. He's beginning to feel weird, floaty and untethered to reality, his own need oddly detached from his awareness. He looks up at Phil, propped against the pillows, and of course he's already staring down at Dan, glazed eyes unfocused on Dan’s lips, but he moves his gaze higher when he senses Dan looking. 

They stare into each other's eyes for what feels to Dan like hours. The air around them is filled with their quiet moans and the gentle wet sounds of Dan’s mouth on Phil’s cock. Phil’s hips are rolling gently, but Dan's weight on his thighs keeps him from moving much. Dan looks at Phil and feels loved and seen and appreciated in a way he has never felt before he met Phil, and he tries in vain to signal all these emotions with the movement of his mouth.

It washes over him like a wave, beginning with Phil throwing his head back on a deep long moan, intense flavour washing over his tongue and a shudder rolling down from his neck and making his balls seize up. He's so lost in taking everything Phil gives him that his own orgasm feels secondary, merely a bone-deep satisfaction settling over him. 

He slumps over Phil until he pulls Dan up by the back of his shirt. "Come here," he mumbles. "Why’re you still dressed?" They push and pull clumsily at Dan's clothes until he is naked, and Phil closes a fumbling hand over his softening dick and makes him hiss. "Did you..?" 

"Course I did, idiot," he slurs back. "You're so fucking hot. Love you so much." He feels like he could keep talking, as if he has something important to say, but Phil crashes their lips together, licking deeply into his mouth as if he's chasing his own flavour across Dan’s tongue, and he hums in contentment instead. 

They kiss for a long time, Phil seeming unable to stop himself, combing his fingers carefully through the hair right over Dan's ear over and over again, and he feels shudder after shudder gust through him until he's just a dazed mess.

They talk about their day and their impressions of the other YouTubers for hours this night, not as wrung out as they had been the night before. They get up briefly after a while to shower away the salt and sweat but they keep talking after, low and intimate in that way Dan loves. 

He is finally beginning to feel his frayed nerves soothed by Phil's unwavering attention. There's been so much excitement these past few months, what with travelling for Portugal and E3 and Phil's apartment hunting in Manchester. Dan is beginning to realise how wired he's been feeling. Maybe the tropical air is finally beginning to have an effect on him. He lies curled up next to Phil, watching every tiny animation of his face as he expresses his thoughts and feelings, and drinks it all up.


	3. Day 3

Phil wakes to arms that are still aching slightly and to the sight of Dan's sleeping face next to his on the pillow. His hair is curly and tangled and messy, his sweet face lax with sleep, plump lips slightly open, which makes them look even more kissable than usual. Phil takes a moment just to stare unabashedly, feeling last night settle over him again. He thinks that he never knows what mood Dan will be in at any given time, he never knows when he will come to bed cheeky and loud and when he will come to Phil quiet and intense and gentle like last night, and in a way he hopes he never will. He just hopes that he will always be around to meet Dan in whatever form he comes, standing like a rock in the ocean of him. 

He runs his finger gently over Dan's face, from his silky hair along the bridge of his nose to snag briefly against his bottom lip. Dan stirs at this and Phil waits almost with bated breath for the moment he opens his eyes. His eyelids flicker open briefly, allowing Phil the briefest glimpse of brown before they shut again. Dan closes his mouth and swallows, and suddenly Phil is surging forward (gently!) to kiss him good morning. There's a split second where it's perfect, soft and sweet, and then Dan breaks into a smile and Phil gets a mouthful of teeth. Dan throws an arm around him and twists away at the same time, stretching and yawning and scrunching his face up, and Phil is too caught up in the live show of watching him come awake to do anything but stare.

"Mmmf, what are you doing?" Dan says, rolling back towards him, his hand settling at the back of Phil's neck and finally meeting his eyes.

"Nothing?" Phil mumbles. He runs his hand over Dan's soft skin, from shoulder to flank.

"Were you watching me sleep?"

"Nuh-uh."

"You were, I saw you," he says but he's smiling, his fingers playing with Phil's hair.

"Just waiting for you to wake up." He thinks for sure Dan is getting more freckles, and he has to kiss a few of them. 

Dan closes his eyes on a soft laugh and hugs him closer. "What's today?"

"Um, Wednesday, I think?"

"No! I meant what's _on_."

"Oh. You could've just said that. Um, new drill or something like that."

"What? You idiot, it's Negril!" Dan laughs, but Phil doesn't care, because Dan hugging him closer means he can cop a proper feel and so he does.

Dan's ass is round and soft and a very pleasant acquaintance of Phil's. Dan snorts in his ear as if he knows exactly what Phil's thinking, but he also closes his lips around the lobe and teases it with his tongue, so Phil figures he's fine. He isn't really expecting them to become that creative while they're here. Sex like that is elaborate and technical and still requires such a lot of planning and preparation and talking that he frankly doesn't think he’ll have the energy for it. So far he's just been tired and wanting to get off. Except for now when he is feeling more and more awake and wanting to get off, Dan's mouth against him and his soft fleshy bits beneath his hands working their magic in no time.

They're practically on top of each other already, but he gives his friends one final squeeze goodbye and then nudges Dan over on his back so he can fall into the space between his thighs. There's something about the sound Dan makes then, a deep contented moan as he stretches again and locks his arms around Phil's neck, that sends a powerful surge of want through him. He's surrounded by Dan on all sides, and when Dan lifts his legs and wraps them around Phil's thighs to pull him in so their dicks drag against each other, Phil has to growl at how good it feels.

He rolls his hips, and Dan whispers “Fuck yeah,” and then moans again in the most maddening away as Phil gets into a proper rhythm. Dan is soft and warm, and their dicks rubbing against each other is both so much and not enough.

Suddenly he just wants Dan so much, that by now familiar feeling of losing control and just wanting to _feel him_ taking over. He rocks his hips desperately and rumbles again, closing his mouth over Dan's shoulder and sinking his teeth in. Dan moans and sinks his fingernails into his neck only to squeal and pull away the next moment.

“Phil!” he pants, and thankfully it startles Phil so much that he pulls back immediately. Dan stares at him with wide brown eyes. “Fuck. You can't!” He closes his eyes as a shudder goes through him, all the way down to where their hips are still locked together. Phil's cock is still very much with the old program, and so his brain doesn't quite know what to do.

“Huh?” He stares stupidly at Dan, who has never reacted like that before.

Dan repays him with a soft smack upside the head, which probably isn't as helpful as he thinks in these circumstances. “No marks. We’ll be in swim trunks all day!”

Phil's brain is finally beginning to catch up and he lets out a sort of muffled scream of frustration and flops down on top of Dan with all his weight. Dan strokes his back and sighs. Then he kisses his face where he can reach and rolls his hips in a not so subtle command for Phil to get back to business.

But it's like when someone tells you not to think of a pink alligator and then all you can think about is a highlighter pink alligator (elephant? whatever). He wants to bite and scratch and hear that sound Dan makes, _that sound_ , and he can't get back into a proper rhythm again. 

“Ugh!” he shouts in frustration and pulls away entirely. 

“What?” Dan asks, rising up on his elbows. “Are you seriously going to get pissy just because I won't let you do that?” He sounds genuinely petulant now, and Phil doesn't blame him.

Phil makes the saddest face he can muster with a still raging hard-on. “No! I’m not angry. I just don't think I can stop myself again.” He lets his head fall forward and closes his eyes. “Sorry.”

Dan seems to get it now. “Poor Philly,” he says, voice sounding posher than just a few seconds ago. Phil's head pricks up and there's a new glint in Dan's eyes. “Sit. Stay…” He says it slowly, and Phil sits back properly to rest on his knees in the bed, already incredibly curious as to what comes next.

Dan slips out of bed quickly and goes to rummage through Phil's luggage. He comes back with the lube and gets into bed again, pushing the pillows up against the headboard so he can lean back. Phil is about to follow him when he holds out a hand to stop him and says, voice quiet and deep, “No touching.”

Phil is almost dizzy with how quickly he is back on board. He watches avidly as Dan pops the lid off the bottle and squeezes out a small amount. Just the crass, artificial scent alone is more than enough to trigger some stupid pavlovian response in Phil by now. Dan throws him the bottle, and he thinks he finally knows exactly what he has in mind.

“Fuck. I honestly thought I wouldn't have to wank with you right here,” Phil says. He's trying to pout, but, again, he mostly just wants to get off - with Dan, in whatever form that takes. This is actually nice and familiar somehow.

“It’s going to be Extra High Definition 3D,” Dan says, eyes glued to Phil's hand on his own cock. He moans when Phil squeezes a little, his own hand seemingly mirroring the motion without his awareness.

Fuck, this is an excellent idea! Dan is right. It's one thing to see this on a grainy webcam but to actually be right in the room for all Dan's tiny moans and grunts, the soft wet sounds of his hand on his cock, is absolutely amazing, and Phil kind of thinks he's been missing out. He gets to take it all in, every sigh and moan and brief appearance of dimples, Dan's hand squeezing and pulling, the muscles in his arm bunching and releasing. 

And then Phil realises the best thing about doing this in the same room instead of over a shitty webcam: their eyes meet. They never really can on cam. He knows he always tries to give that to Dan when he's able, staring into the lens and knowing it works for himself, but dying all the while at missing out on seeing Dan’s reaction except in his peripheral vision. Their eyes meet now, and Dan seems to realise the same thing, because they moan in unison, and then Phil is coming. 

It takes him by surprise a little bit, but he chases it freely, hand going faster and harder, feeling wave after wave of pleasure rolling through him. 

When he can finally focus his eyes again, Dan is still working himself over, almost desperate now. 

“Dan,” he says, and Dan's eyes snap back to his. “Fuck, you're so gorgeous. I just want to eat you up.” 

Dan swallows thickly. 

“Just look at you. I love you so much.” He knows he's kind of failing horribly at dirty talk, too soft and emotional, but Dan doesn't seem to mind. 

He's staring so hard at Phil, seemingly clinging on to every word that comes out of his mouth. He has an almost worried frown on his face, straining and panting now. 

“Dan,” he whispers. “You're so beautiful right now. Just want to watch you come. Please, Dan, just wanna see…” 

And then Dan is crying out loudly and giving Phil the best show on Earth. 

He slips out of bed and goes to get a cloth for them right away, wiping Dan off carefully and then slipping back into bed with him. They kiss and kiss, and Phil feels heavy and content, able to touch Dan again now without the overwhelming urge to claw and bite. 

“Don't fall asleep,” Dan murmurs. “We have to go to New Drill.”

“Shut up,” Phil says and punches him ineffectually in the arm, which just makes Dan cackle.

*

They're walking to breakfast when something strange happens. Dan is not feeling quite awake yet, or perhaps it's more accurate to say he is feeling pleasantly dazed from all the sex they've been having.

They're walking along the path when they pass by two men who are headed in the direction of the reception area. Dan doesn't know why he pays them any particular mind; they're young and white, both with short brown hair, good looking in an American sort of way. 

For whatever reason he doesn't manage to look away quite when he should. Instead he accidentally makes glancing eye contact with one of them, and that's when the strange thing happens. 

The man gives him a short nod as they pass and says, "Hi," in an American accent. 

Dan is far too surprised to respond, but next to him Phil actually says, "Hullo." 

Dan turns his head to stare at him. "What was that?"

Phil looks genuinely oblivious and glances nervously at Dan as if he thinks he missed something important. "What was what?"

"That! Why'd you say hello?"

Phil looks confused now. "I dunno. Cuz he said it first? What's wrong?"

"He was making eye contact."

"Yeah…? So?" Phil looks as if he's thinking about fruit loops. 

There's a thought creeping up on Dan, slow to bloom in the back of his mind but irrepressible when first it's there. "Do you think… he thought we were…" He doesn't know why he can't even finish the sentence. Maybe being here under these circumstances is beginning to make him paranoid. 

"I mean, that's what I supposed."

"You… That's why you said hello?" Dan is truly surprised now. "Doesn't that bother you?"

Phil shrugs. "Why would it bother me? He was right, and they're the same." 

Dan stares at Phil, but then nearly trips over his own feet so he has to look ahead, trying to sort out what he's feeling. 

Phil gives him a thoughtful look. "Do people not, like… pick you out?"

Dan whips his head back around to stare at him. It feels like a punch to his gut, and he thinks he might be shaking a little. "What?"

"Like, people notice you. Or you notice people. Sometimes you say hello, sometimes you don't." Phil says it so casually, but Dan can feel his mind reeling, his heart pounding.

"You mean people like…" Phil doesn't even respond because it's obvious, so Dan casts his thoughts back. "I don't… I don't _think_ so?" He hates feeling young and stupid around Phil, but he does slightly at the smile Phil sends him now. "Do _you_ get that?"

"Happens all the time."

Dan takes that in. He supposes he's not entirely surprised at this knowledge that some people see Phil and understand that he is not straight. In fact, how could he be surprised at that when it literally happened to Dan himself? The only difference is that he saw Phil on his computer screen and felt some kind of kinship before he had even properly worked out his own feelings in any conscious manner. 

But the idea of strangers picking him out of a crowd without a moment's hesitation absolutely freaks him out. He is immediately back in school, back to hearing a hundred different slurs thrown at him, back to passing a group of boys on the street and hearing someone from behind him call out, "Hey, poof!" right before his knees and hands meet asphalt. For a moment he almost thinks he has fallen right now, but then he feels the Jamaican sun on his face again, sees Phil who has stopped on the path a few steps ahead of him and is giving him a weird look. 

"Are you alright?" Phil asks, voice low and hesitant.

Dan tries to smile, keenly aware that he can't quite feel his face. "I'm fine," he croaks and then clears his throat. He stays where he is, though. 

Phil comes back over, walking as though he is going to wade right into Dan's space and take his hand, which actually makes Dan twitch, but Phil stops a normal distance away and just looks at him. His eyes hold nothing but love and attention, and Dan feels air return to his lungs again. He starts walking and Phil follows along quietly.

Dan's mind is reeling. He pushes the sharp memory of pain away, letting other ones surface instead. There are other instances of overly familiar people that seem to have lodged somewhere deep in his brain because they had felt just a little strange to him. A man on the train to Reading who had seemed to stare for no reason. A young cashier in Tesco who had smiled weirdly. A girl with a nose piercing in an H&M. 

Why had these people noticing him bothered him just a little? Why has his mind held on to these encounters for months? And is the idea of being seen by any of them really any different from the idea of being seen by Phil? 

Maybe being seen can be good. 

He considers all the months he yearned for Phil to notice him, to see something in him worth paying attention to, and he feels an unrest flickering through his body. For a brief moment he's thinking of Phil's mesmerising blue gaze on him just an hour ago, in their shared hotel bed, making him feel so important and desirable...

"Dan the man!" someone says, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and patting him on the chest. 

He's badly startled and so it takes an extra second for him to understand that it's just Charles. 

"Are you gonna sit with us? We're over here!" he says and steers Dan, and so by invisible string Phil, towards a table that's fully occupied except for just two seats.

Coffee feels suddenly like a good idea, and then he's drawn immediately into some conversation between Olga, Nadine, and Iman about the tubing adventure yesterday. He lets the talk consume him, take up every ounce of his attention, coming to ease in yet another discussion of cameras and shots and filming angles. 

Phil sits for a while and waits, but when he senses Dan is in too deep, he nudges him and gestures towards the buffet. Dan nods and lets him go, busy explaining how the footage of them going into the water was sadly very blurry when they played it back last night. 

The others seem to have had varying degrees of success with their filming as well. Charles is quite put out by the poor night recording, which makes it impossible to vlog after sunset. But the underwater footage in general has been really detailed, and everyone is excited to see what kinds of shots they’ll get from cliff jumping later.

"Hey, Phil," Charles says when Phil comes back with his first bowl of fruit loops. "Who's that you were talking to?"

Phil shrugs and tosses his fringe back. "Oh, just some guys."

"Not anyone you know?"

"No, we were just chatting. They're here on holiday. It's their anniversary and apparently they won a trip to Jamaica." Phil glances at Dan. "Chatty."

"Wait, wait, wait," Charles says, and there's something too loud about his voice. "Their anniversary?" Now he lowers his voice and raises his eyebrows and Dan feels a sucking sensation in his stomach, his heart rate picking back up. "They're… together?" 

"Charles," Alli says in a warning tone.

Phil's eyes flit between them. "Yeah. At least that's what they said."

"Wow," Charles laughs and falls back in his chair. "They better watch out if they leave the resort!" Dan stares, unwilling to believe his ears.

"Yeah," Olga says, sounding somehow thrilled. "Isn't it like literally illegal just to be gay here?" She looks around for confirmation, and Dan shrugs awkwardly and stares into his milky coffee. There's an odd tension building up inside him.

"I think it's like 10 years in prison or something," Nadine says, shuddering.

"Well!" Charles says. "I'm not saying they have the right idea here…" 

Dan feels like he's stuck on candid camera, as if surely Charles is going to jump up and say, "Just kidding!" any moment. He doesn't, however.

"I mean, I don't mind - all that stuff. I just prefer not having to look at it."

There's a shimmer of grimaces and murmurs all around the table. 

"When is the car leaving for Negril?" Alli asks, loudly and conspicuously. 

Dan does everything in his power not to look up at her. He doesn't know what would be worse, meeting her knowing gaze or seeing that she really has already moved on to thinking about something else.

It's nothing he hasn't heard thousands of times before. In fact, he's used to hearing a whole lot worse, casually phrased but so frighteningly hateful. It brings him back to so many other times when he has sat around a table and felt both personally attacked and completely invisible at once. It's like a bucket of ice to his system.

He lets the conversation flow around him for a moment and realises that what he's feeling most keenly is not his own hurt, which is after all old and familiar. No, the fear he's feeling clutching at his throat is for those two strangers he has only had a fleeting moment of eye contact with. In this moment he feels a much deeper kinship with them than these people he's known for three days. For a short while he is almost overcome with panic at the need to know those two will be safe in this horrible, deceptive paradise. 

Then Phil leans over and says, "Wanna go for more fruit loops?" and he feels the cold tension dissolve slightly. 

As they're walking towards the buffet, Phil glances back to make sure they're out of ear shot. 

"I never got to say the most important part," he says, sounding sad and intense all at once. His eyes bore into Dan's. "Their names are Adam and Steve!" 

Dan laughs, immediately and too loudly, making several of the others glance up at them from the table. 

"Oh, it's just so perfect!" Phil complains, writhing and not even smiling. "Adam and Steve!" Finally he begins to giggle, his tongue twisting between his teeth. 

Dan's whole chest aches to reach out and take his hand, but he can't so he just clutches his stupid plate and shares in Phil's mirth, feeling the odd tension contract and then expand again inside him.

*

The trip to the beach in Negril takes an hour by car. They're packed into a kind of luxury minibus with a local driver behind the wheel.

It's strange to Phil to be outside the intensely sculpted and manicured scenery of the resort again. He had managed to forget what everything looked like on the way from the airport, and now the dusty streets and weather worn buildings are like a shock to his senses. But it's nice out here. Although it's so intensely different from home - azure blue sea sparkling in and out of view, palm fronds and white colonial style houses - it's also oddly familiar. Something about the haphazard nature of these buildings, the somehow recognisable shop fronts with unfamiliar chain names, and the people going about their business all only serve to remind Phil of home. It strikes him how ordinary everything is. This is people's home, and that means routines and triviality and informality. He feels as if he can actually breathe better out here, away from the posh seriousness of the resort.

He's not so sure about Dan, who takes a while to truly join in on the conversation again after the uncomfortable mood at breakfast. He doubts that anyone else notices anything off, but he senses a distance in Dan's replies as if his mind is somewhere else. He only hopes with all he has in him that all the events of earlier haven't coalesced into something too unmanageable for Dan to handle. Phil knows very well his tendency to overthink things. 

He wants more than anything to be able to check in on Dan, but they haven't had any proper time to be alone. He wants to put his arm around his waist, or poke his face to make the dimples reappear, or maybe just full on tickle him in the middle of this crowded car and hope he doesn't elbow anyone in the face, but obviously Phil can't do those things. He can only sit here and worry in the frigid air of the AC system and try not to stare at Dan too much. 

Phil's best bet, he feels, is to try his hardest to provide distractions. So he does his best to join in the conversation himself, including Dan by asking his opinion or urging him to share his experiences whenever he can.

Eventually it works. It's a slow process, witnessing Dan inching back out of his shell. At first his replies are fairly monosyllabic and mostly directed exclusively at Phil. But little by little he begins to be drawn in, perhaps coming back to the realisation that these are all pleasant people who are actually quite fun to hang out with, despite their flaws.

Half Moon Beach is unlike anything Phil has ever seen. The water is so clear and blue it almost looks unreal, the white sandy beach and palm trees like a movie set. The dogs, which Charles and Alli are instantly fascinated by and which make everyone else slightly uncomfortable with how thin and haggard they look, and the souvenir shops, all serve as a stark contrast to the spectacular scenery. 

They mill around filming for a while before people begin to make their way to the public changing rooms to get into their swimsuits. Dan and Phil follow eventually. 

Phil has brought his purple Babycakes t-shirt, which is the one he'll be wearing in his Lion of Inflatable Destiny video. He's planning on shooting a couple of scenes, hopefully even getting some of the others to stand in. He's been working a few of them in the car, and dropped hints during dinner on the other nights, just getting people used to the idea that he might ask them. He thinks for sure Charles and Alli are in, so it's a place to start. 

He's just pulled his swim trunks up when there's a knock on the saloon type doors that are supposed to provide privacy in the changing cubicles. 

"Phil," Dan says, and there's something just slightly off about his voice that makes another jab of worry go through Phil.

Pushing the door open he sees Dan standing in his swim trunks, still wearing the black button front t-shirt he's been wearing so far today. He's clutching a grey t-shirt in his fist, gripping his right elbow so his arm is held tightly across his stomach.

"Something wrong?" Phil frowns.

Dan seems to frown in reply. "Can I get my t-shirt back?"

For a moment Phil honestly doesn't understand what he's on about, until he remembers that the t-shirt he put on this morning was Dan's black one with roses and creepy Victorian children. He studies Dan's stormy expression for a moment. "Are you… sure?" Does Dan really want to go back out there wearing the shirt they've all just seen Phil in?

Dan doesn't look at him, frowning angrily at Phil's feet and scuffing his own just a bit. He looks like he does sometimes when it's late and they're on Skype and he's trying in vain to find the words to suit his feelings. "I just… really want to wear that shirt." He looks up then, dark eyes sparking with emotion, a hard set to his jaw.

Phil wants so badly to pull him in, to let the doors flap closed on them and bury his face in Dan's shoulder. Instead he silently holds out the black t-shirt, and Dan takes it. They stare at each other for just a moment, then Dan turns and goes back into his own cubicle.

It goes rather as expected when they go back to join the others. 

Alli is filming in their general direction when they re-emerge onto the beach, but she puts the camera down when she has a proper look at them. "Hey! Wait, Dan, are you wearing Phil's t-shirt?" As soon as she's said it she looks as if she thinks she shouldn't have. 

Phil can't stop himself from squirming a bit in discomfort.

Dan, however, is cool as a cucumber when he replies. "Yeah, mine's ruined. It's got some kind of stain on it. Phil let me borrow his."

"Oh." She nods in apparent relief and then seems to hesitate as if something is still not quite adding up, but Dan is quick to breeze past her and start asking questions about the dogs that seem to have lost interest once everyone started getting in the water proper.

He does the same thing a few more times when people notice, sticking to the same vague story about a ruined shirt and redirecting people's attention quickly. Phil almost feels as if he should be taking notes, although he doesn't know what for.

Mostly, though, he can't help wondering exactly what makes all that trouble worth it for Dan. But it seems to settle something in him: He grows calmer once they're back on the beach, even joking unprompted with people again.

Still there's something unfamiliar about him that Phil can't quite put his finger on. Usually Dan is so loose and lively. There's so much fluid movement in him, his wrists, his shoulders, even his mouth and eyebrows all wiggling expressively whenever he talks. It's as if he has stilled that movement now, keeping his body carefully controlled, even his voice somehow not as soft as Phil is used to. He wishes he could stop this change from happening, but he doesn't know how to, so he focuses all his attention on filming instead.

Once Phil manages to rope Charles and Alli into acting in one of his adventure segments, Dan is the perfect co-director and second camera man. He doesn't take over, but he helps explain Phil's vision, translating whenever Phil gets too excited. He keeps an eye on their surroundings, gently herding stragglers away to keep the shot clear and gesturing for people to be quiet. And he records the shots of Phil so Phil knows exactly what he'll get. 

Phil loves Dan. He loves him for a whole host of reasons, but in this instant he loves him especially for the way Dan understands his creative process. He has worked with other people before; loads of friends and fellow-YouTubers have helped him with his videos. He doesn't know if it's because Dan has actually seen all Phil's videos numerous times, or if they really are just so much on the same wavelength. But he felt it the first time they recorded together in his bedroom, nervous and wild and familiar already, and he felt it even more keenly before Christmas, outside in the snow. Dan has some innate sense for what Phil is imagining. It's not that he instinctively knows without Phil telling him, but he seems always immediately able to translate Phil's jumbled, insufficient words into exactly the vision Phil had in his head. He makes working fun and effortless.

He teases Phil now as they record the final shot of him walking down Half Moon Beach alone. 

“Look up!” he shouts, and Phil looks up. “No, you imbecile, not up in the sky! Look up like normal.” 

Phil tries to adjust. 

“Back on your mark!” Dan laughs. “You look like a stork, what the fuck.” 

This makes Phil guffaw in that way he can't control, and Dan doesn't miss his cue to tease him mercilessly. 

They line up for photos before leaving, and it's nice. He thinks probably they're over it now, whatever weird uncomfortable feeling has lingered since breakfast. 

As they pile back into the car to find some lunch they can bring aboard the boat that'll take them cliff jumping, he’s beginning to feel the day is looking up, surely.

*

Dan feels a lot better after eating greasy burgers and chips. They're sailing calmly along the coast towards their cliff jumping destination, and the sea breeze is keeping him from overheating. He's been wearing Phil's black t-shirt like a warm hug all day, and it feels as if it's helping to push all those thoughts from earlier away. He wants to let himself be consumed by their adventures and not worry about anything.

The cliffs when they sail up to them are ridiculously high. Even from a distance he can see the various platforms and stairs built into the sheer cliff face. It's not until the guide points out to them that there's a person standing on top of the cliff that their size really begins to register. The human figure looks like no more than a fleck against the clear blue sky. It is certainly going to be a lot higher up than any spring board in an indoor pool. 

He feels a frisson of excitement run through him, an anticipation like standing in line for a roller coaster building inside him. He studies the platforms and knows exactly what he wants to do.

He turns to Phil who is sitting right next to him, and leans forward on the boat's handrail. "Ready for another Dan vs. Phil?" 

Phil whips his head around to stare at him. "No?" he says, the way someone sounds when you've told them shocking yet intriguing news.

"Yes," Dan nods. "We're going to see who can jump off the highest cliff first."

"No, I don't want to do that. I don't like heights!"

Dan laughs in surprise. "What are you talking about? You love the Sky Bar! And the Manchester Eye?" He nudges Phil slyly, and Phil blushes just a little. Dan leans back, the building excitement in his body making him want to stretch out his muscles. "Anyway, we don't have to do the highest one."

Phil widens his eyes and makes a complicated kind of nodding, flailing shrug. "I am definitely not doing the 50 foot jump or whatever! Are you seeing that? It looks insane!"

Dan is seeing it, and it does look quite daunting but also a bit intriguing. 

The big red and yellow warning signs all around Rick's Café on the top of the cliffs are quite daunting as well. They have chilling things written on them such as "serious injury" and "spinal fractures", which don't exactly inspire confidence in Dan. 

"Dan, I'm really not sure about this," Phil says in a low voice. "This is actually dangerous."

He ignores any feeling of unease, focusing instead on how the others are already making their way to the lowest platform. He gestures to encompass all the people as well as the café with its many tables and chairs. "It can't be that bad or there wouldn't be all this activity. It's like the _Mind the gap_ signs. They're just there because they have to warn you."

"But the gap is really dangerous! That's _why_ they warn you. People fall and snap their legs off all the time!" 

Dan turns to raise an eyebrow at Phil, who looks quite agitated. "Yes, Phil, all those hundreds of people losing their legs on the train every year." He feels a bit weird, but then a thought occurs to him and he narrows his eyes and grins in suspicion. "Are you trying to psych me out?"

Phil pouts. "No. I'm really not."

Dan doesn't know what to think, so he lifts his camera back up and starts filming, narrating a bit as he goes. He knows Phil. He has played many a game with him, and he knows just how sneaky he can be when he wants to win. He won't let Phil fan the tiny flame of apprehension in the back of his mind when they're about to get such extraordinary filming opportunities...

He can't actually get Phil to go down to the platform with him. He insists on hanging back by the café at the top so adamantly that Dan loses patience and leaves him to play out his long game on his own. 

They've all of them barely made it onto the various platforms, and Sam and his wind-surfing buddy James have already jumped once. Now they're standing with one of their camera men, coordinating for a moment before they line up shoulder to shoulder with their backs to the water. James does a short countdown and they somersault simultaneously backwards into the sea. People ooh and cheer, and Dan feels the urge to copy them immediately.

Next to him, Charles gives a low whistle at the stunt. "How are your backflips, Daniel? They any good?"

Dan looks at him and laughs, a bit taken aback. "Not really." 

He shouldn't actually be surprised that Charles is still a fun person, but somehow he feels as if he forgot. Really, apart from that hiccup at breakfast, Charles has been entirely nice all day. He was enthusiastic and serious when they recorded for Phil, and all day on the boat he has been happily narrating to his camera, chatting along as if his invisible viewers are old friends.

"Yeah, I think mine are a bit rusty, too," Charles says wryly. "Better do some warm-ups. You gonna go first?" He nods at the edge of the low cliff, and Dan feels his stomach turn over exactly once before an obstinate mood takes him.

"Yeah," he says, and goes over to the edge. He barely pauses or remembers to fill his lungs before he steps out and goes plunging into the cold water. He comes up gasping for breath but already feeling an elation that says he wants to go again. 

He turns in the water and grins at Charles, who laughs and signals with a thumbs up.

He ends up jumping another few rounds with Charles. Their moods seem to soar in unison, a giddy kind of elation overtaking both of them as they race from drop to stairs to another drop. Eventually, however, he begins to feel Phil's absence and goes in search of him. 

He finds him still by the café, sat hunched on a low stone wall and still wearing his purple t-shirt. Dan marches over and grabs his wrist, pulling him up and towards the stairs.

"Come on, Phil, you're missing out!" he says, pulse beating giddily in his ears. 

Still Phil hangs back, leaning his weight backwards in counterpoint to Dan's tugging. "Wait, Dan…"

"What are you on about?” he asks in annoyance, glancing around them to make sure no one is paying them any attention. "At least come down to the platform with me," he says.

Phil moans but follows him down the stairs. “I don't know what it is," he says when they're finally stood on the lowest jump point. "The water just looks so unpleasant!"

Dan laughs but Phil has the audacity to look genuinely crushed, which makes him embarrassed. “Unpleasant how? It’s a bit cold, but it's not that bad.”

Phil shrugs and looks down. “It looks really deep.”

Dan glances down, but the 10 foot distance is already beginning to look at bit boring to him. “People jump all the time. There's literally nothing to worry about.”

Phil sullenly doesn't answer. Dan sighs.

“I’m gonna go again. Are you sure you won't jump first so I can film you?”

Phil shakes his head. “No. I wanna wait a bit more. You go ahead.”

Once Dan has jumped and circled back one more time he's not in the mood for any more excuses. The jump is fun and the shock of the cold water is thrilling. Thankfully Nadine and Alli and Charlie are all plying Phil with encouragement and good advice when Dan gets back to the platform. They've all jumped by now, so really Phil is the only one left.

“It's scarier looking down,” Nadine says. She's sitting on the platform dangling her legs into the air.

“I was really nervous too, but you barely feel it,” Alli says. 

“You just gotta get over that first jump and then it's fun,” Nadine says cheerfully.

Charles picks up the camera and records them. “Yeah, it’s super easy. I’ve done it.” He points to Alli. “You did it.” He films Nadine. “You did it.” Nadine agrees and raises her arms in a cheer for the camera. “You can do it, Phil!” He turns and goes in close to Phil, who makes a face like someone stole all his fruit loops.

"Hey, are you jumping?" Sam's friend James asks. Dan has barely shaken his head and gestured for him to go ahead before he launches himself over the edge, body doing a clean forward roll before he hits the water head-first.

Dan turns back to Phil, reigning in his impatience tightly. “You're making it so much worse than it is. Nadine is right, you're going to have fun the minute you actually try it.”

Phil stares at him for another minute, but then finally heaves in a great big breath and steps up to the edge. 

The others cheer. 

Phil glances back at him one last time and Dan smiles in what he hopes is an encouraging manner. 

Then he jumps and lands perfectly but still manages to come up with a frown on his face. "Oh, I got water up my nose," he cries, and Dan can't stop himself from rolling his eyes. 

"Hold your nose next time, idiot."

They climb to the next platform, the one at 25 feet, and Dan almost wants to scream with impatience when Phil sets himself up to start the whole rigmarole over again. He walks up to the edge with a lot of speed but then seems to freeze the moment he looks down. 

"Phil, it's literally just water," he says, painfully aware of Charles and Alli and now Sophie right behind them. 

Phil nods, but doesn't move. The local watchers on the cliff across from them are beginning to take note of them. They hoot a bit and cheer, and Phil switches his weight from foot to foot.

"Just go, just go," one of the locals shout.

"Come on, man, are you jumping?" another joins in.

"Phil, don't think, just jump!" Dan moans. 

Someone else is hovering behind them on the stairs now too. He glances and sees that it's Sam. Of bloody course it is. He can't stand the thought of tall blond and sixpack looking at him and Phil and thinking that they're just useless nerds.

"Jump!" he says, again.

Phil whirls around suddenly, glaring at him.

The look on his face takes Dan completely by surprise. He doesn't think he's ever seen Phil look like that before, and he honestly thought he had seen most of Phil's looks by now. He's seen him acting like a truly petulant younger child to his mother; he's seen him be a sore loser for hours after not winning Monopoly; he's seen the fiery glint in his eye when Dan pushes him too far when they're alone. But he's never seen the loathing, thunderous look that's on Phil's face right now, and it makes him take a step back from him.

Phil brushes past him and everyone else waiting, mumbling, "Excuse me," as he pushes back up the stairs. For a split second Dan honestly doesn't know if he should follow him, but of course he does.

When they reach the top, Phil whirls once again to face him, and he's frowning just as darkly as before. 

"I'm sorry," Dan says, almost automatically.

" _Are_ you?" Phil replies, nearly shouting the first word. 

Dan blinks at the tight anger in his voice. 

"Because you're being a prick to me right now."

Dan is silent. He feels his throat constricting and he doesn't even quite know what for. He thought they were having fun, that the banter was doing the job of thawing out whatever weird reticence was holding Phil back, that he was just as determined as Dan to have fun for once. He feels shameful and stupid for misunderstanding.

"I'm…" he says, but he doesn't know where to begin.

"I don't know why," Phil says, and Dan's stomach plummets when he thinks he sees tears welling up around his beautiful blue eyes, "but this is really freaking me out. And you're making it worse."

"I'm sorry," Dan says again, floating somewhere outside his body now. "I'll be quiet."

"I don't want you quiet," Phil says, voice colder than Dan has ever heard it before, gaze flinty and jaw set. "I don't want you there at all. I'm going back and I'll get Charles to film your bloody challenge, but I don't want you near me."

Dan swallows hard against the lump in his throat and nods, not having the courage to look Phil in the eye any longer. He feels crushed, as if his good mood has taken a full bellyflop straight onto cement. Phil walks back down the stairs and Dan slinks over to stand at the top of them so he can still watch.

Now that he's calmed down and Phil has made him aware of his inner turmoil it's painfully obvious to Dan just how nervous he is, just how much he doesn't like the height. When Phil nearly regrets his decision once again and everyone starts chanting his name, Dan almost wants to run down and shout at them, but he stays back quietly, watching as Phil makes a monumental effort to pull himself together and jump 25 feet down into the ocean...

Dan is waiting for him by the other set of stairs when Phil climbs back up again. He's still feeling like a lost puppy with its tail between its legs, shaken by Phil's hard tone. 

"I'm sorry," he says again, quiet but more intense than before.

He almost doesn't dare lift his eyes to Phil's but when he does he's intensely relieved to find none of the anger that was there before. 

"I know," Phil says, and it's soft and calm, which makes Dan almost want to cry. 

He wants to cling to Phil, to apologise over and over again, to explain in detail how some demonic energy got into him and how gravely he understands his fuck-up now, but he can't. He can't because they are in public and because words are failing him entirely right now.

Phil looks at him as if he knows what he's thinking, and that's almost the hardest punishment of all; that Phil still understands Dan just as well as ever, and Dan is the only insensitive asshole in their relationship.

"Let's just enjoy the rest of the day," Phil says softly, and Dan nods mutely, resolving to stick close to Phil and letting him set the pace for the duration of the day.

*

Phil is so tired by the time they're finally home that he thinks he could fall asleep standing up.

They've had a few beers on the boat going home, which Phil honestly needed at that point. The trip back seemed to take forever, mostly because Phil was shaky and tired and everybody else seemed overly boisterous and eventually drunk.

At one point James had actually fallen overboard and given everybody a fright. Phil's nerves were far too frayed to respond kindly at that point. He had hidden behind Dan and nursed his beer and mostly avoided talking to anyone.

Dan had stayed close and kept quiet, cheeks flushed and hair curly and messy, pulling steadily at his own beer and observing all the boisterous activity. It had been as if they were both full up on impressions and too tired of being around people to make any more of an effort.

Dan is drunk. He had gone through a couple more beers than Phil, but it hadn't become clear to Phil how many more until they had stepped off the boat and Dan had grabbed his arm quite hard not to fall. After that it was obvious that he had partly been quiet to cover the fact that he was quite sloshed, which does manage to penetrate Phil’s tired mood as sort of funny.

Phil has barely closed the door to their room when Dan starts talking.

“I'm shit.”

This takes him quite by surprise. "You're not shit."

Dan whirls on him, swaying a bit as he does. "I am. I want to be your person. I want to be _there_ for you and I wasn't."

"You are. You were."

"I _wasn't_! I wasn't paying attention, I was just - pushing. Letting them - push."

He looks so sad, and Phil has to touch him. He puts both hands carefully on Dan's cheeks but he has to use a bit of force to get him to raise his head and make eye contact. "You already apologised. I'm not angry. I wasn't angry, I was just… frightened." He's tired and sore, and now he's sorry that he lashed out the way he did. He really hadn't been angry, just frustrated and feeling forced into a corner.

Dan's eyes are large and dark and gleaming in the lamp light. "I didn't know you were so scared. I never meant to push you. Did I push you!?" 

"No!" Phil hesitates. "Well, maybe a little." Dan's whole body crumples despite Phil's hold on him. "But then you helped. And I should have said something sooner. I didn't really know I was that agitated."

"I don't ever want you to ever be that angi- acti- angitated again." Dan stares back at him, eyes almost comically sincere, and Phil's heart swells with love for him.

"I know." Phil leans forward and kisses him carefully. Dan answers with too much force, sloppy and too wet to be sweet, but Phil doesn't care. He pulls him into his arms and hugs him tight.

Dan seems to deflate against him, breathing out and moulding his entire body to Phil's, and it feels so good to finally feel him again. It almost feels like it does when they've been apart, as if it's been longer than just twelve hours since they were last together in this very room, kissing and touching and speaking freely. They hold each other for a long time, just breathing against each other.

Eventually Dan breaks away with a wet sigh. “Ugh, I’m so sloshed.”

They laugh at this.

Phil catches him by the shoulder, trails his hand down his arm and tangles their fingers together. “Why don’t we take a shower and order room service?” 

He smiles and Dan laughs again. “You look like such a dork when you do that!”

“What? I’m not doing anything!” But he hauls Dan in by the hand and kisses him again.

“Mmm,” Dan murmurs against his lips. “I want pizza.”

Phil pulls away and heads for the bathroom to turn the water on. “Sounds great - will you order?”

“You!” Dan sputters. “You're such a cheating… cheater. Who cheats.” 

But he goes to the phone and puts in a truly horrendous call to reception, which makes Phil cringe even though he's trying not to listen. 

Next moment he's enveloped by Dan's snaky long arms hugging him close to his chest and Dan's lips attaching to the nape of his neck.

“Are you okay?” Dan whispers and holds him so tight that Phil can’t turn around to look at him.

He puts a hand over Dan's where it's clinging to his shirt. “I’m fine. Thank you for asking.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don't have to be.”

“I want to take care of you. I don't want you to be sad ever.”

Phil pats his hand and frees himself. “I know. Come on, let's get you showered and fed.”

Usually Phil loves shared bath time because it's sexy time, but tonight Dan is just drunk enough that it doesn't work out that way. Phil has to concentrate on making sure they don't slip and die, which kills the mood quite effectively for him. Dan does try, because he's Dan and he's young, but his amorous touches aren't exactly subtle and don't seem to cause much of an effect in himself, much less Phil. When he insists on washing Phil's hair for him and proceeds to get soap in both his own eyes and Phil's, Phil calls it quits and gets them both safely out of the bathroom before anyone can sustain any serious injuries.

He definitely doesn't want to get dressed again, but the imminent arrival of a pizza kind of means he has to. He monitors Dan as he gets into pants and a t-shirt and then finds something suitable for himself.

By the time the pizza arrives Dan is star fished on their bed and possibly beginning to snore, so Phil answers the door and manages to receive the hot tray and hand over a polite tip with minimal awkwardness.

They eat on the bed because it's far too much effort to get Dan to move. He perks up right away when he smells the food, though. Phil hadn't realised how hungry he was, but now that the pizza is here he can barely stop himself from wolfing his half down in record time.

“Why are people such shit?” Dan asks suddenly and takes a morose bite of his pizza. He chews messily and he looks so cute that Phil kind of wants to eat him instead of the pizza.

"Do you really think they are?" he says gently.

"They're _such_ shit!" Dan says vehemently, which proves the alcohol has not quite burned off yet. "Take Charles."

He pauses after that for such a long time that Phil feels the need to prompt him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah!" For a moment he almost thinks Dan has lost his train of thought entirely, but then he launches into it. "I really like Charles. We had so much fun with the cliff jumping. He's just so cool, you know?"

"I know you think so," Phil says, aiming for neutral but perhaps ending up a bit wry.

"Right!? But then he can just _say_ stuff and be shit." Dan picks a piece of onion off his slice and flicks it morosely onto the tray.

Phil picks it up and stuffs it in his mouth, enjoying the sweet crunchiness of it. "I think sometimes people just say things without really thinking. It doesn't mean they're shit. It just means they haven't had their views challenged sufficiently."

Dan looks up at him then, brown doe eyes slightly unfocused. "I didn't even want to challenge him. I just wanted him to go away. I always just want it to go away. I never _say_ anything."

"I didn't either."

"Why didn't you?" In that moment he looks so young, as if he's not so secretly hoping that Phil has all the answers.

It almost breaks Phil's heart that he has to shrug and say, "I don't know. I was afraid of sticking my neck out. I just wanted it to pass, too."

Dan sits quietly, looking small and hurt, and something about the stillness in him brings Phil back to what he looked like this morning on the path, headed to breakfast.

"Was it stupid of us?"

Phil cocks his head to the side. "What d'you mean?"

"To think we could fly under the radar? Are people just going to know whether we want them to or not?"

"I don't know." Phil knows there are things in Dan's past that he doesn't fully understand yet, but the idea that Dan is so invested in no one knowing suddenly stings a little. 

Dan hangs his head. 

The pizza box sits empty between them, so Phil picks it up and drops it off the side of the bed. He knows Dan is still sloshed when he doesn't even protest this bit of sloppiness.

"Do you want a cuddle?" Phil asks quietly.

Dan nods, curls flopping onto his forehead. "Yes, please."

"Big spoon or little?" Phil whispers. He thinks he already knows the answer. 

"Little," Dan says, and he has never sounded more like a character out of Winnie the Pooh than in this moment, Phil thinks, thoroughly endeared.

They lie down and Phil wraps him up as securely as he can, tucking their knees together and pressing them up deliciously high. He buries his face in Dan's neck and peppers kisses over the skin there.

"Wait," Dan says after a little while, already sounding as if he's drifting off. "I was the one was supposed to comfort you."

"You did," Phil murmurs, stroking his thumb over Dan's arm. "You've done so much today, Dan. Just sleep now." He punctuates this with a final kiss and tucks his face into the dark warm place between Dan and the pillow.


	4. Day 4

They have slept in and still have time before their excursion today. They've agreed to take the morning off to lounge around by the water's edge in the shade and just enjoy each other's company.

Dan has had a fairly good night's sleep despite the alcohol in his system but is still almost drifting off in the heat and the quiet. At the other end of the small crescent-shaped beach, Charles and Alli are swimming, but they're far away and absorbed in their own adventure, which involves one of the white buoyed platforms a way out in the water. 

The waves are whispering against the sand, and it's so lovely and peaceful. Having Phil beside him like this in the next sun bed over reminds him of Portugal and for a second he almost reaches out to take his hand like he would have done there. But this isn't Portugal with friends, this is Jamaica with strangers carrying cameras absolutely everywhere they go.

He turns his head to see if Phil has fallen asleep and finds him staring right at him. There's something about the way he's looking that stops Dan from saying anything.

"I want to touch you," Phil murmurs, and even though his voice is quiet Dan still has the urge to look around and check that no one is near enough to hear them.

"Stop it," he says, but it's gentle because Phil's words have struck up a weird longing in him that he usually only feels during the third desperate hour of a late-night Skype call. 

"Your skin looks so soft in this light. I just want to…"

"Phil." He feels his skin prickle.

Phil flops his hand onto the sand between their sun beds and stares at him some more, eyes raking from the top of his head down to land blatantly on his crotch. Dan doesn't let his own hand fall down to touch Phil's even though it twitches where it's lying next to his thigh. 

"Just wanna touch you a little," Phil pouts. His eyes are liquid and bright like the sea in front of them, his lips wet and pink.

"Phil, stop it." Dan has to look away. "You can't touch me out here. You know that." 

His eyes fall on Charles and Alli again. Charles is trying to climb onto the white platform but Alli puts a hand on his head and pushes him down. They're filming each other. 

A lightbulb moment seems to happen to him then. 

"You can't touch me," he says slowly. "But you could fight me." He sits up, one leg on either side of the bed, foot nearly stepping on Phil's hand and excitement spiking in his gut. They don't have much time, but they might just have enough. 

"What?" Phil says, probably confused by the sudden change in tone. Probably he was hoping to persuade Dan to go back to their room for a quickie before they had to leave for the day, and Dan almost feels sorry for him. But he has an idea now.

"You could fight me. In another Dan versus Phil." He points. "Out there, on that platform." He turns to look at Phil. "Mortal Kombat style!"

Phil's features change from surprise to delight. "That's brilliant!" He looks out on the water. "You think we could do it?"

Dan shrugs. "Just some basic wrestling moves and a bit of luck. Probably pretty hard to stay balanced." His eyes find Charles and Alli who have moved to the floating trampoline. "Maybe Alli won't mind filming. What do you say?"

"Prepare to be annihilated, danisnotonfire!" Phil intones and heads for the water without waiting for him. Dan grins and rushes after him.

It's great up until they're standing opposite each other on the wobbly white platform. They've tested the shot, and Alli is ready in the water to capture their performance. But suddenly Dan feels incredibly naked, much more so than he has felt at any point previous being filmed in his swim trunks. He meets Phil's eyes and he seems nervous as well, which doesn't soothe Dan's feelings at all. 

"Best out of three, right?" Phil asks, and Dan nods. 

Alli signals them to start but all of a sudden Dan has no idea what to do. He's fought his brother any number of times, and he's wrestled with Phil a time or two as well. But suddenly his brain is filled with all the places he shouldn't touch Phil or put his hands, and before he knows it Phil has tipped him into the water.

"Alright?" Phil asks as Dan climbs back up onto the float. 

Dan nods. 

They get into position and Alli gives them the go-ahead again. This time Dan goes hard, barrelling into Phil so quickly that he gives a shout of surprise and goes down, landing on one knee and then keeling over on the teetering platform. 

From the water he hears Charles laugh and whoop. "Easy, tiger!"

He ignores him in favour of checking in with Phil. "Fuck, did I hurt you?" He kneels down next to him, his hand hovering over the warm skin of his shoulder. He wants to touch, to comfort and steady, but his own camera on them and the people in the water hold him back.

Phil sits up, looking a bit stunned. "Nah. Think I just slipped." He gives Dan a searching look. "Bit less force there, eh?"

"Right. Sorry." He's feeling pretty crap about actually hurting Phil. It's just a video, and he needs to calm down.

Phil smiles at him then. It's open and cheeky and free of any worry. "I already know you can take me in a fight, Daniel. You don't have to crush me."

Dan scoffs and helps him to his feet. "What are you talking about? You could easily win this!" 

Phil just smiles and shakes his head.

They look at Alli and she shakes her head giving a thumbs down. "Bad shot!" she yells. 

Dan nods. He agrees. "Round 2, take 2," he shouts, hopefully loudly enough for the camera. 

A small crowd is beginning to gather on the beach and in the water around the platform. He is beginning to wish they had the filming over with already.

The next time Dan holds back a bit more, but Phil seems to have not quite recovered yet, and Dan pushes him off the platform quite easily. 

"Even if you intend to lose you've got to at least make it interesting," Dan says teasingly as Phil heaves himself back up. 

"Uh! I don't _intend_ to lose! I'll show you interesting," Phil says, sounding offended now. "Did you think I was just going to let you have it without a fight? Think again!" he says in his deep Mortal Kombat voice. 

When they start again Dan feels instantly that Phil spoke the truth. He's resisting Dan's every attempt at getting a hold of him, and he forces Dan dangerously close to the edge of the platform. He actually puts an arm around Dan's neck and Dan feels their chests and sides come together. He pulls away in uncoordinated panic and scrambles for a better angle when Phil gets him in another pseudo-headlock. The people on the beach are actually cheering. He feels himself losing balance and shouts. Phil lets go just in time not to get dragged into the water with him.

Alli gives them back the camera and they stand closely together in the water, reviewing the footage. It looks quite good, and Phil laughs at his unexpected victory. Dan can't even feel truly sore over losing when Phil is smiling like that. 

Phil's eyes grow large. "Can we do the annihilation shot as well?"

Dan could kiss him, but he settles for slapping his own forehead. "Phil, you're brilliant. Of course! We have to, don't we?"

So they corral Alli again and Phil gets to finish him with a kick to the chest.

When they get back to the beach Nadine is there, jumping up and down excitedly. "Oh my god, you guys, that was so fun! Won't you do that for my channel?"

They glance at each other. Dan is fairly knackered, and he's about ready to get away from all these people. He knows they're not really looking at them, and that even if they are they aren't seeing anything, but he's beginning to feel the strain of keeping up appearances. 

"Oh, come on! I wanna do like a proper wrestling match. I'll be the presenter. Dan! You can get a rematch!"

Dan gives her a long look. He wants to be polite, and it might not take that long. 

"Ohhh, I know, we'll get some of the girls to, like, oil you up. That would be super hot!" She laughs, but Dan feels as if a bucket of ice water has been sent coursing through his veins. He's reminded of some of the more inane comments on his and Phil's social media profiles, but right now he is not in the least amused.

"Oh it would, would it?" he says tensing very hard not to show his anger.

She seems to sense his mood nonetheless and avoids his eyes. "Come on, it'll be fun!" 

"I'm sorry," he says coldly. "I think we're too tired to do any more wrestling right now." He can't even look at Phil to see what he thinks, he only knows he needs to get away as quickly as possible. 

They haven't even reached their stuff by the sun beds yet when he hears her bouncing over to Sam and James to corral them into her idea instead. At least she's moving up the ladder, Dan thinks sourly. Phil is so quiet next to him he knows he's being obviously moody. He doesn't know how he went from lounging luxuriously in the shade without a care in the world to this seething resentment at everyone and everything, so he just packs up as quickly as possible and storms towards their room, trusting Phil to keep up with him.

*

"Hey," Phil says, as soon as they're inside their room. But Dan won't look at him, and Phil is already feeling that sinking sensation in anticipation of what mood is to come.

Dan just starts unpacking their towels, spilling sand all over the floor. 

"Hey," Phil says again, even quieter now. He goes up close but hesitates for a moment before he actually touches Dan, and then only placing a careful hand on his upper arm.

"It's just so stupid!" Dan explodes then, whirling to face Phil. "Why did we make up these stupid rules? Why can I touch you to punch you in the face but I can't hold your bloody hand? I'm so sick of it." His anger seems to already be evaporating, and he slumps against Phil who wraps his arms around his waist and shushes him. 

Phil feels Dan's frustration acutely, but he doesn't know how to make him feel better. He can only offer up his arms as comfort, and Dan seems to take to them, breathing quietly, their bodies pressing together from head to foot, their thighs slotted, Dan's one foot between Phil's. He feels the need to envelop Dan completely, to somehow keep him safe here.

"I'll go out there holding hands right now if you need me to," Phil says then, feeling almost desperate with it. "I don't want to do it this way if it upsets you so much."

"I'm just being silly," Dan sniffs.

"S'not silly." Phil tightens his grip. "We can make this work any way we have to. It's not worth getting upset over. If you want everyone to know we're together, that's what we'll do, and that's what we'll work with."

Dan gives a wet laugh and rears back to look at Phil with a wobbly smile on his face. "I love you too much, sometimes, I think." 

Not knowing how to possibly respond to that when he's feeling the same way, Phil kisses his ear, which is awkward and makes Dan laugh again. 

In their embrace, Dan is quiet for a while. "I don't need everyone to know. They can never know anyway. They can only think they know, and so much of what they'll think will be wrong anyway." He sighs. "We know, your family knows. That's so much more important." He tightens his grip on Phil. "Those airheads out there don't deserve to know anything important about us."

Phil pulls away a little to look at him. "Not even Charles and Alli?" 

Dan shrugs. "I certainly don't feel like telling them right now. Let's see how it goes?"

"Whatever you say."

"No." He says in an intense tone of voice and takes Phil's face into his hands. "We decide together. Always." 

They kiss deeply then, Phil needing to feel Dan's presence down to his bones. 

He's beginning to feel how long it has actually been since they touched each other with intent, and Dan seems to be having a similar thought, because his hands begin to wander experimentally. But Phil groans and pulls away to look at the time. 

"We can't, we have to go get lunch."

"We can, we totally can, I only need like three minutes!"

Phil laughs and pulls away further, but Dan clings.

"Five tops!" 

Phil stops and loops his arms around Dan's necks. "Too bad," he murmurs, eyes hooded. "I need at least sixty to do you justice."

"Ugh!" Dan groans and kisses him again, sweeping their tongues together, and Phil allows himself to revel in the soft welcoming wetness of his mouth for just a moment. "Now I definitely only need two."

"Come on, you lech," Phil laughs and pulls him out the door by his wrist, relieved that they seem to have headed this crisis off at the pass... 

The others are already sat down for lunch when they get there. There are two empty seats between Charles and Alli and Sam and James. Dan sits down next to Alli and greets her quite cheerfully, so Phil is left with the chair next to Sam.

“Hey, man,” Sam says when Phil sits down. “How are you?”

Phil doesn't know why he's surprised that Sam is even talking to him, but he feels a jab of reawakened embarrassment about yesterday at the question. “Uh, yeah, alright now.”

“Good.” Sam nods and looks away across the table, and Phil feels himself teetering on that edge of feeling too self-conscious in the face of an awkward encounter.

“I guess I just don’t do heights very well,” he says apologetically. Even just uttering those words has him momentarily back on the cliff, clammy and sweating, heart pumping overtime.

Sam flaps his hand. “Don’t worry about it, dude.” He pauses ever so slightly. “We all have our thing. For me it's snakes.” He actually shudders, and Phil’s interest is immediately piqued. He can't imagine being repulsed by any animal; they're all so fascinating to him.

“Really?” He realises too late that he may sound a bit too happy.

Sam huffs an embarrassed laugh, hooks a hand around his own neck and looks at Phil askance. “Yeah. Once I thought I saw one and I just fainted clean away. Hit my head pretty hard when I dropped.”

“Oh my god! What happened then!?”

“Turned out it wasn't a snake, it was just a tree root.”

They both laugh heartily at this. Phil feels infinitely better about his weird breakdown yesterday.

“How do you manage that then?” he asks.

Sam turns his head fully for the first time since they started talking and gives him a considering look. “My sister has anxiety. She taught me to walk her through this breathing thing if she has a panic attack and forgets how to calm down. It's pretty useful."

“Oh.” He doesn’t know what he's most surprised about - Sam’s honesty or the fact that he has a family. Perhaps Phil's been so busy telling himself that Sam is in a completely different league than him that he forgot he's really just a person. “You must be a really good brother, then.”

Sam shrugs. “Comes with being the eldest, I guess.”

“Probably. I only have an older brother, and I do think I’m still the baby of the family.” He’s comfortable now and caught up in talking so he doesn't think before he leaps to the next logical thing in his brain. “Dan’s an older brother, too, I think that shows.” He stops then, almost holding his breath, realising the weird connection he has established and not knowing what to expect next. Why did he have to bring up Dan?

Sam looks back at his plate. “Yeah, he has that protective streak.”

Phil clears his throat, not sure how to reply, and is thankfully saved from having to attempt an awkward save by James saying something to Sam and drawing him into a conversation with the other half of the table.

Leaving Dan deep in conversation with Charles and Alli, Phil goes to the buffet even though he's not really hungry anymore. Just as he's coming back to their table with a fruit cocktail, one of the camera men working with Sam comes over and says,

"Bad news. There's been a slight delay with the cars, so we have some wait time. They're asking people to hang around and be ready to go, though."

There's a collective groan around the table. Phil puts his bowl down and stands around a bit awkwardly as people discuss what to do.

Eventually Alli's voice cuts through the din. "Well, I say we go hang out on the porch by the lounge. Whataya say, guys? Wanna join us?" 

Dan tips his head up to look at him and Phil bends down a bit in response. He thinks he knows what they would both rather do, but there's no way of knowing how long or short the wait may turn out to be. Dan shrugs at him and nods a little to let him know it's fine, and Phil thinks it's decided. Then, for one horrible split second he feels himself almost leaning down closer to peck Dan on the lips and straightens up so quickly instead that he feels dizzy with it.

*

On the porch they settle down in the lounge furniture. Phil sits in the free seat that's closest to Dan, but there's still quite a lot of space between them. Olga comes with them as well. She has been sort of loud throughout the trip in a way that has made Dan mostly want to avoid her.

She climbs the steps now with Alli and says in a voice that carries, "Oh, everyone here is just so cozy and _with_ someone. It must be so nice to have your boyfriends here with you." She glances decidedly at Dan as she says this, pausing before adding, "Alli. Nadine." 

Alli gives her a weird look, eyes flicking to Dan. "Yeah, I guess so…"

"And _you_ guys are cozy," Olga says, coming over to Dan with her camera out. She cocks her hip and leans down, showing him the footage on her viewfinder. 

It's a slightly blurry shot, taken from the next table over, of their lunch table just now. Phil is leaning down close to him, very close he sees now, and Dan is looking slightly up at him with what looks like bleary-eyed adoration. There's something incredibly intimate in the way they're turned towards each other, something that somehow feels much more incriminating than anything he’s seen them do on camera before, including the unusable bits from the first Phil Is Not On Fire. 

It only takes him a moment to realise that the thing that's different is that it's obvious that they communicate this way all the time; there's something practiced and loving about it that makes him feel naked and cold as he sits here and is confronted with this creepshot of their private conversation.

"It's not quite like those two from the other day, but it kind of has the same vibe, don’t you think?" she says, and the venom in her words takes him by surprise. 

He knows exactly who she's referring to, of course, but still he says, "Who is that, now?" He feels Phil's silent presence like a burning beacon next to him but forces himself not to look in his direction.

"Oh, you know, those honeymooners? The ones you were talking to at lunch? I thought they were friends of yours?" It's such an incredibly mean, unnecessary thing to say that he nearly laughs at the sting.

"They aren't on honeymoon, they're just here on vacation for a few days," Phil says quietly behind her. "And I don’t know them, I was just having a friendly chat by the buffet."

She doesn't even look at Phil, eyes seeming to bore into Dan's the entire time. "Well, to each their own," she says. "I guess it's good for them they can come here and relax. I mean, in Russia? Woo, quite a different thing!"

He looks at her, not quite believing what he’s hearing. "Yeah. That must be a terrible place to be associated with."

"Not for me," she shrugs. "I guess it's better in England as well?"

He resists rolling his eyes at this blatant attempt at bating him and just says, "I suppose. I think we got rid of those laws in 1980."

"Oh, that's nice for you, you remember the year," she says condescendingly.

He almost clenches his teeth. 

"Olga, come sit by me," Alli says then, and Olga glances at her. Alli smiles and pats the sofa cushion next to her, and Olga swishes over and sits down.

Dan takes this moment to let his eyes flick over to Phil who shrugs so minutely that it's almost invisible. He sucks in a long slow breath, but then Olga speaks again.

"But you're just friends, though, right?"

Dan stares at her coldly. "We’re best friends." 

It's true, and he doesn't feel at all guilty or deceitful for saying it.

"Mm," Olga smiles tightly. "And how long have you been best friends?"

"We may not have known each other forever, but Phil knows me better than anyone. He knows everything about me. He accepts me for who I am. It's quite amazing, really, to have that with another person. I hope you get to experience it one day." His words are practically dripping with ice at this point, and there's a collective swoop of silence that goes through the group. 

He doesn't care if he's on thin ice. He doesn't care if he's fallen right in and everybody knows. Everything he's said is true, and he feels an overwhelming anger at any attempt to reduce what he and Phil has down to what they may or may not do with their bits.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Phil beginning to get that look on his face like he’s worrying, and Dan is already wishing they could be alone to talk about this bizarre thing that is happening, but they’re hours away from any kind of privacy now. 

Olga looks at Phil then, eyes boring into him. "Your friend here seems to think you're pretty awesome. I can't figure out if he's trying to be your wingman or what."

"Oh," Phil says, looking from her to Dan. "Probably not," he jokes weakly.

"Still, since he's told us what he thinks about you, why don't you say what you like about him."

Dan is just thankful that Phil is someone who can handle himself. He looks at Olga with a weirdly still face and seems to weigh his options for just a moment. Still, Dan can't help worrying how he's going to respond.

"Umm, he tastes nice," Phil says then, diffident but completely straight-faced. 

Olga's eyes nearly bug out of her skull and Dan squirms just a little in his seat. 

"Oh, didn't anyone tell you?" He gives Dan a searching look, then turns back to Olga. "We're secretly cannibals." He holds up his hands and makes claws of them. "Dan has this really neat trick where he regenerates his own flesh every night once I have feasted on his body." His delivery is entirely deadpan. "Last night I ate a foot. It's nice, you should try it."

Dan can't suppress the chuckles and neither can several of the others. Olga is staring at Phil with a sour look of incredulity on her face. 

"You… are so… _weird_ ," she says. Dan is not even sure if she's trying to hide her disdain.

Phil just shrugs and folds his legs up under him.

"Why don't we change the topic now?" Alli says with a slightly wild look in her eyes. She sends Dan a silent look of solidarity, shrugging and rolling her eyes, and he feels a little better.

*

When the cars finally arrive to take them to the river falls destination, Phil and Dan are in entire silent agreement as they hang back and make sure to avoid the car Olga gets into. They share a look of raised eyebrows and explosive sighs before they settle into their own car with Charles and Alli and some others.

Phil is starting to feel the upheaval of the past three days wearing on him. He can't really believe that they have only been here for four days. It feels like a million things have happened, a million emotions have swept through him, a million words have gone unsaid between him and Dan. And yet he feels excited even now, curious to meet this next adventure head on.

Their destination looks much more like a jungle than any place they've been so far. The growth is green and lush and the air is humid and heavy in his lungs. They have to cross actual wooden hanging bridges, and he feels almost like a (decidedly skinnier and more apprehensive) Indiana Jones. It's easy to believe that any kind of creature could be lurking among the verdant bushes, maybe even a little velociraptor or an angry elephant. (Dan laughs at this, of course, but it's the good kind of laugh that makes Phil feel light and buoyant.)

This water when they get in is cold as well, the force as it rushes and splashes over the rocks making it foam white, but it's really quite refreshing against his overheated skin. Even with special shoes on the rocks are sometimes slippery and the current is strong. It requires just a bit more concentration of him to stay balanced when holding on to Dan is not an option.

There are caves in the rocks, small magical pockets of air under the waterfalls that they can go into. The sound is deafening and there's a light mist of cold fresh water against his skin. It's like he's entered another world, someplace he doesn't want to leave again.

Everyone else is excited as well, people moving from cave to cave, the water pounding down hard on their shoulders, soaking their hair, and then the ringing echoey sound behind the water. He lets Dan go for a bit, both of them exploring on their own, but he never wants to not share things with Dan, and after a while he goes to meet him. 

Suddenly they're stood inside a small cavernous space behind a particularly fast waterfall, Alli next to them. They talk excitedly, but when she leaves Phil crouches down in the water, staring at Dan who follows suit after a only the barest breath of a pause. 

He stares at Dan, feeling his heart begin to pound in his chest, courage gathering before he really knows what he's going to do. He knows he needs to be quick. Someone could come through the curtain of water at any moment, people moving like blurs of color right on the other side. 

Phil moves in closer and Dan doesn't say anything, doesn't stop him or move away. He just waits where he is, welcoming Phil's lips when they meet his. They are cool but his tongue is warm, and the taste of the fresh water is surprising after so many days of salt. 

They break away from each other quite quickly, neither of them really willing to risk it, but they stay crouched in the water just looking at each other for a little while longer.

"I can't believe this is real," Dan murmurs, gaze hanging by Phil's lips. "I can't believe I get to share this with you."

Phil stands up then so he won't be tempted, water cascading off him and heart still beating hard. "It's amazing," he smiles, and Dan smiles back up at him, young and beautiful and open and his.

It's less amazing when it takes them hours and hours to get home, because the driver gets them lost. They end up driving around in the middle of the night asking for directions, once from a toothless man who was probably actually a trickster god sent by a cruelly joking universe to keep Phil away from his bed for as long as possible.

*

Tired was several hours ago. It's as if Dan passed that milestone so long ago that by now his body and brain are prepared to go several hours, several miles, more. He feels as if bees are buzzing right under his skin. It's not anger, it's not nerves, it's not worry, but it's also not _not_ any of those things. He doesn't want to think about it.

It feels as if he has been doing nothing but thinking and reacting and choosing what to say and do for days. Right now he just wants to feel, not emotions, but concrete physical sensations. He wants to feel Phil. He wants Phil to take up all his senses, wipe away the thoughts and the emotions, leaving nothing but the present moment.

They've barely made it inside. In fact, Phil hasn't closed their door yet, is only in the middle of flicking on the light and letting out a deep sigh, when Dan grabs him and kisses him. It's hard and wet, messy and uncoordinated, and Phil makes a sound of surprise somewhere deep in his chest that only spurs Dan on. 

He fumbles the door closed and falls up against it, pulling Phil into him, scraping his teeth over his bottom lip only to immediately miss the softness of his tongue and deepening their kiss again. He's sliding down the door a little, spreading his legs to let Phil in as close as possible, and revels in the feeling of Phil towering above him, tipping his head down over him to get at Dan's mouth. 

When Phil finally seems to respond to the urgency within Dan by seizing hold of his arms and squeezing forcefully, he has to tip his head back to let out his breath. His panting only intensifies when Phil's mouth immediately latches onto his neck, kissing and sucking quickly and repeatedly up and down the column of his throat. It is making his cock jump and he reaches down mindlessly just to relieve some of the need he feels building, but Phil's fingers are on his wrist almost immediately, pulling his hand to Phil's crotch instead. He moans unthinkingly at the answering hardness he feels there, opening and closing his hand on top of Phil's trousers, getting a rhythm going. 

His pulse is thundering in his ears already, so loud he feels certain it must be a real sound that anyone can hear, but behind it there's something else. He pushes it away, whatever it is. There's a need building, a very specific kind of want, that kind of surprises him. But as soon as he has identified it, it's impossible for him to ignore. 

He rears up, surprising Phil into stepping back, and uses the momentum to walk him backwards across the room to the bed. They tumble on to it together, Dan barely managing to coordinate where his knees go. 

Bending down to recapture Phil's lips, he searches blindly until their hands connect, bringing them up to place Phil's palms securely on his ass cheeks. Phil hums and massages them, so Dan whines and sucks his tongue and lets his hands roam over Phil's chest. 

They grope like this for a while before the sensation of clothes becomes unbearable against Dan's skin and he gets up so they can strip. While Phil rolls around trying to get his t-shirt up and off, Dan steps over to the suitcase where he hid the lube again after their last time. This desire is thrumming beneath his skin, making him want to move faster and harder and not stop until the last bit of nervous energy has been wrung from him.

He almost wants to cry when his naked body presses up against Phil's. It feels so good, soft and hard and warm in all the right ways. Whimpering against Phil's lips, he presses the slightly sticky bottle of lube into his hand.

"I want you to fuck me," Dan whispers, biting at his upper lip and tasting his teeth against his tongue. He drags Phil's hand back to his ass, hoping his sex-stupid brain will soon get the message.

Phil's slack hand seems to jerk in surprise at the sensation, his lips suddenly unresponsive, and he pulls away slightly, looking dazed. "What?"

"C'mon, Phil," he says and kisses him again, over and over.

But Phil only rests his hand softly on Dan's hip and drops the lube out of his other. "Wait, Dan…"

Dan shakes his head. "No, please." He kisses Phil's throat, because suddenly he doesn't know what will happen if he looks into his face. "Need you to fuck me." He flicks his tongue against Phil's earlobe, which usually always works, and Phil does whine a little but still he isn't giving back, has stopped answering Dan's urgency with his own.

"Dan…" he says, and cups Dan's face. 

But Dan doesn't let him tip his head up, burying his face against Phil's skin instead. He doesn't want to feel this burning sensation in his eyes, doesn't even know what it's doing there. For a split second he's so tired, but he pushes that feeling away as well.

"Please!" he says, voice strained and loud. "Just… Screw everything. Screw them. Fucking just, fuck me, please. I don't want to think anymore, Phil." The last part comes out as nothing but a choked whisper, and Phil's arms come up to envelop him, pressing him close, which just makes Dan embarrassingly aware that neither of them are particularly hard anymore.

Phil kisses his ear, softly and lovingly, and it makes Dan want to scream but he only gasps wetly against Phil's chest. 

"I don't want to screw any of them," Phil says quietly, and it makes Dan almost laugh a little. He pulls on Dan's chin again and this time he lets himself be moved. 

The rush he gets when their eyes finally meet is completely unidentifiable to him at this point. It's a great big jumbled mess of emotions, and they threaten to press tears out of his eyes. 

"I only care about you," Phil says. He presses their lips together carefully. When he pulls back he keeps his eyes closed, as if some complicated emotion is pressing its way through his chest as well. 

Nodding against Phil's hands holding his face, he croaks, "Me too." A part of him is still resisting, still wants to get lost in something hard and fast and a little dangerous - something that will absorb him completely. But this focused attention Phil is offering him is one Dan has been hungering for for what feels like years, something he still can't stop wanting from Phil all the time.

"I want you to only think about me," Phil whispers, urging Dan gently to tip over on his side. He is staring with such open adoration that Dan feels it almost like a physical caress, but still he needs more. 

"Please touch me," he whispers back and then nearly cries out at the simple sensation of Phil's hand brushing from his waist to his shoulder, warmth trailing after it.

"You too," Phil murmurs, and Dan brings his fingers up to his face, tracing the features there so carefully. Phil slides closer, slipping his knee in between Dan's. He closes his eyes and turns his face into Dan's touch like a cat, so Dan kisses him, feather soft now.

They touch each other like that for what feels to Dan like hours. He gets lost in the sweeping caresses of their hands on each other's skin, of lips and tongues barely brushing against each other. He is achingly hard again, feeling as if he hasn't been turned on like this in days. Their breaths mingle damply, and a blush is starting to creep over his entire body, making him feel sweaty and overheated.

Phil's hands are heavy, weighted down and dragging slowly over every inch of him. His fingers come up to draw a circle on the side of Dan's jaw, run down the column of his throat and across the furiously burning skin on the upper part of his chest. Dan rubs circles into Phil's lower back, right where the flesh dimples a little against the column of his spine, and moans openly when Phil's fingers reach his nipple. 

There's something mind-blowing about lying here and being touched like this with Phil's face inches away from his, his huge dark eyes capturing every single one of Dan's reactions. There's nowhere for him to hide, but that's okay because he no longer wants to.

"I do only think about you," Dan says, throat raw and aching suddenly. 

Phil rolls his nipple between his thumb and forefinger and leans in close to kiss his nose gently, which is so discrepant it makes a million feelings bloom in Dan's chest at once. 

"You're so… weird," he rasps. "I love how weird you are." He drags his hand up Phil's back to the back of his neck, pushing his fingers through the short hair there. "You're my weirdo." 

Phil's fingers against his nipple are torture, and he twitches now, fingers convulsing in Phil's hair, and Phil switches to the other one, which is both horrible and amazing and makes Dan's hips snap forward. 

Dan's cock is so hard it's curving up to kiss wetly at his stomach and he thinks he might die if he doesn't come soon, but another part of him doesn't want it to ever end. In desperation, he lets his own hand drop down to Phil's nipple, and Phil practically growls in response, his own hand stilling. 

"I just want to be yours," Dan murmurs, lips against Phil's jaw now, feeling a slight scratch of stubble beginning to come in. "I want to be yours always," he whispers against the shell of Phil's ear and falls back when Phil moans harshly. 

Phil's hand is drifting, slipping down across Dan's stomach, making the muscles there jump and shudder, hips pushing rhythmically into the air between them. He redoubles his efforts against Phil's nipple, pinching and pulling just a little harder than he likes himself. 

Phil cries out, hips bucking and eyes widening and looking wildly into Dan's. He's passed the point of speaking long ago, and Dan loves him likes this, loves seeing the effect his touches have on him.

"I want to touch your cock," Dan whispers, their noses nearly brushing against each other. "Will you touch me, Phil? Please touch me…" He cries out then, wordless himself now as Phil's soft hand closes around him.

It takes him another moment before he can reciprocate, teasing his fingers along the soft skin and getting lost in the sensation a little before Phil swallows and moans and tosses his head in a wordless plea. Dan shushes him, taking hold of him properly, but it's not quite right yet.

"Where's the lube gone?" he asks, barely able to think with Phil's hand on him. 

It takes a while for the question to register and it's such a cruel sensation when Phil lets go and twists around to look for it.

They find it after a bit of scrambling through the bed sheets and by the time they both have a warmed up coating on their hands, Phil has regained enough words to say, "You're so beautiful," before he takes hold of Dan again and begins pumping his hand in a slow, steady rhythm.

"You are," Dan says. "You make everything beautiful." 

The double sensation of Phil's hand on him and his own hand gliding smoothly over Phil is incredibly sexy. He is burning hot, his ears rushing, his breath coming heavy, and he sees everything mirrored in Phil right in front of him. He can't help but speed up his hand just a little, which makes Phil squeeze back more tightly. They moan together, staring at each other, hips snapping, hands pumping. 

"I told them you're my best friend," Dan says and Phil's eyes flick over his face. "You _are_ my best friend. You're making my life," he gasps, feeling his balls draw up, a sensation of everything in his body tightening like the string of a bow, "the best life I can have." 

Phil nods frantically, staring hungrily into his eyes, pumping his hand hard but still so fucking slow and Dan slows down his own movement, staring back, feeling his orgasm start from somewhere deep down and far in, bursting out of him and then rolling over him again and again as he cries out Phil's name and hears his own falling like a prayer from Phil's lips. 

As soon as he's able to focus again he does so on Phil's face, soft and slack now, but pupils still impossibly large and black, only the slimmest ring of blue visible around them. They're still holding each other, but Dan lets go now, pushing himself closer, letting their chests and stomachs and groins and thighs rub up against each other.

"Dan," Phil whispers into his hair, draping his arm around him and drawing him in close. "You're my best friend, too. You're the best person in the whole world." He feels lips against his skin then and lets out a long sigh.

He draws back after some time, cupping his hand around Phil's face, and feeling something settle in him. "This is what's important," he says, full of a new-found conviction. "This is what they could never understand anyway. This." He leans forward and kisses Phil, not just once, or twice, but over and over again, until finally they fall into one long drawn-out one. 

He feels himself growing heavy, feels himself cooling down, and shudders with some great emotion, lips still against Phil's lips.


	5. Day 5+6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter. Stay tuned for an epilogue.

Dan sleeps almost the entire day and Phil lets him. 

He looks downright exhausted, limbs loose and thrown haphazardly across the spacious mattress, as if his body needs the maximum amount of space in order to recuperate. His brow is smooth, lips slightly open, and sometimes a whiny kind of snore will escape him. 

Phil aches with love for him then, and he wishes nothing could ever make frown lines appear on those beautiful features, or his arms feel the need to creep protectively across that soft pale stomach. He feels some wild desire to keep Dan in this bed forever, in a room, locked away from the eyes of others, never exposed to a camera ever again.

Calling down to reception, he leaves a message saying they won't be joining the others on today's excursion. 

He drinks tap water and puts off having to go outside, partly because he doesn't want to go alone and partly because he doesn't want to leave Dan. He's so tired himself that he barely feels hungry anyway.

He faffs around on the Internet for a while, putting off the need to be productive with movie trailers and tweeting. It feels like he supposes it must feel to be an ex-smoker and taking a hit of a cigarette after going years without. His brain is so happy to be back online, and the rewards it sends into his system are almost better than candy. It’s the perfect antidote to the busy quality of these past many days.

After awhile he supposes he best start looking through the footage and seeing what's there. He needs to determine if they're still missing any important shots for his adventure.

He gets distracted quite quickly, though. Looking at the footage they made on the first day, in the water, he can't help but marvel at how carefree Dan looked compared to yesterday. There's something open and engaging, young and playful, about his face that Phil seems to have responded to instinctively. He clips a section where Dan is just staring into the lens in tight close-up and throws it onto the timeline. He doesn't know whether it’s for anything yet; he just knows he’ll want to look at it again.

He begins editing something like a vlog of their trip so far, thinking it can maybe go onto his channel as a short video. He thinks Lion of Inflatable Destiny is going to take much longer to edit; the adventures always do.

Dan's presence in the videos keep snatching his attention. Time and again he forgets to pay attention to beats and sounds and appropriate clip lengths because he’s simply distracted by his energy. He thinks it's so weird when Dan says he doesn't have any presence on camera and that Phil does, because Phil always feels he steals the show in the best way possible. 

He glances up at the real Dan, still sleeping with abandon, and thinks to himself that any urge to keep Dan away from cameras, from the Internet, from people's judging stares, would not at all be fair to him or the world. Dan is a born entertainer, theatre kid brightly and loudly shining through whenever he really makes up his mind to engage with the camera, and Phil thinks the whole world deserves to see him like that...

Dan wakes up in the middle of the afternoon, groaning and stretching deliciously. Phil leans back in the uncomfortable desk chair and enjoys the show in full.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” he murmurs, and makes to get up and join him.

Dan groans again, loudly, and holds up a hand to stave him off. “My mouth tastes like dead rat, and if you come anywhere near me my bladder is going to explode.”

Phil huffs a laugh and sinks back in the chair as Dan crawls off the bed and staggers to the bathroom. He doesn't bother closing the door so Phil can clearly hear him when he lets rip what sounds like an impressive jet into the toilet.

He gets up and drifts after him into the en-suite, ruffling Dan's hair and sweeping a hand down his sleep-warm back as he passes. 

“Oi, get off,” Dan grumbles, squirming away and shaking himself off simultaneously. He gives Phil the stink eye - he hates when Phil follows him to the toilet, always moaning about how romance and mystery is dead already. Phil just thinks it's nice, weirdly cozy in a way.

He smiles to himself and grabs his toothbrush, remembering that he has yet to clean up at all today. Dan stares at him bleary eyed in the mirror for a moment and then follows suit.

They look at each other in the mirror as they brush and foam and spit. Phil doesn't know how he could have managed to feel lonely with Dan asleep in the bed right there in the room, but now he thinks he has been. He's just happy to share eye contact with Dan again, to feel his arm brushing against his, to feel his presence in the space right next to him. He smiles a foamy, dribbly smile at him in the mirror and Dan's eyes crinkle when he laughs and dribbles a bit himself.

As soon as they have spit and gargled Phil grabs Dan by the waist and hauls him in. He hums into the space right under Dan's ear, and enjoys the sleep-ripened smell of him. 

Dan laughs quietly and says, “You’re ridiculous,” but he hooks his arms around Phil’s neck and presses his body up against Phil’s.

He tastes of cool mint when Phil puts their mouths together, and for a while he becomes distracted trying to lick the taste away so he can get to the pure taste of Dan underneath. Eventually, though, his stomach gurgles loudly and he suddenly feels intensely hungry.

Dan cackles and squeezes him and says, “Haven't you eaten anything?” 

Phil just shakes his head, staring at Dan, who gazes softly back. 

“Want to go see if the restaurant will serve breakfast at 4pm?” 

Phil nods but steals another long, good hug before he lets them move...

They eat quickly and quietly, not breakfast but really nice burgers, and then head back to their room before they can run into anyone who might want to talk to them.

Dan gets right back on the bed, so Phil grabs the laptop and joins him. They snuggle and look at the edits Phil has managed to get done so far, Dan commenting and gesticulating with a soft, relaxed kind of attention.

Once or twice he teases Phil for leaving in a clip of Dan that's too long or somehow too smitten, but he doesn't ask Phil to change anything, just snuggles in closer with a small, contented smile on his lips. Once or twice Phil has to lean down to kiss him, sometimes on the lips, sometimes anywhere else he can reach.

He feels so good here in this moment, editing and being in bed with Dan pressed up against him, that he thinks he could do it forever. He would never need anything beside this. Just Dan and a computer and their antics in front of a camera. 

“I can't wait to get my Manchester apartment,” he says, and Dan twists to look up at him.

“What makes you say that?” he asks, but he’s smiling slyly.

Phil shrugs but it's difficult between Dan and the laptop. “Just so we can do this all the time.”

“You want to lounge around in bed with me?” Dan smirks.

“And edit videos with you.”

“In bed?” 

“Mmm.” 

Dan takes the laptop and lifts it off Phil. “What else do you want to do in bed with me?” 

“Hmmm…” Phil watches as he puts it carefully on the nightstand. “Maybe… Tickle you!” He pounces.

“No!” 

Dan screams like a murder victim and keeps squirming dangerously to get away from Phil’s torturous hands. 

“Angangang,” he growls and nips messily at Dan’s neck, narrowly avoiding a kick to the kidney in the process. 

“Ack! Mercy! Mercy!” Dan yowls.

He stops tickling and flops down heavily on top of Dan who breathes out deeply and sticks both hands into Phil's hair. Phil turns his face up to look, and Dan tilts his head down so he's looking at him down the bridge of his nose, across a new set of soft-looking double chins. 

“I can’t wait either,” Dan says seriously. “I can't wait for it to be just us.”

*

The next day they're mucking about on the lawn down near the water. They only have one day left, and Dan knows Phil has a few scenes he still needs done, even though they managed to drag themselves out to film yesterday as well. Dan thinks he might also need a final entry for the Dan vs Phil, since nothing presented itself on the river excursion the day before yesterday.

Phil is writhing on the ground, being viciously attacked by evil grass, and Dan is filming his throes of pain when Olga and Nadine walk into his line of sight. They're just outside the camera view, and Phil hasn't noticed them yet. Dan stops filming. It takes Phil a little while before he notices, still screaming softly, eyes closed, head tossing side to side on the close cropped lawn.

"Hey," Nadine says, a bit timidly. 

Phil looks at them, still prone on the ground, and gives a little wave with his hand. Then he sits up a bit awkwardly.

"What are you filming?" she asks.

"My lion adventure," Phil replies, curling his legs under him, back a perfect unergonomic C-shape. "The grass is eating me alive. It's very harrowing."

"Yeah, I can tell," Nadine grins. Then she shoots Olga a look. "Hey, Olga? These guys might have time…"

Phil looks openly and inquisitively at Olga. 

She pouts a little and her arms jerk as if she wants to cross them in front of her, but then she puts one hand on her hip. She doesn't look Phil in the eye as she says, "Yeah, I was just looking for someone to be bad guys. I'm shooting an Angelina Jolie spoof."

Dan restrains himself from snorting. 

Phil just says, "Oh cool. Yeah, we'd love to help," without even looking at Dan, who definitely doesn't know that any of that is true. Then he says, "Maybe you could help me as well? I was going to make Dan be an evil cat god who leads the protagonist astray. But he's already in almost every other role and it's getting kind of hard to disguise him. Maybe you could be an evil, sexy cat goddess?"

He glances at Dan then who gives him an incredulous look, and Phil shrugs his shoulder minutely and looks away awkwardly.

It's in moments like these that Dan is reminded of just how much _better_ a person Phil is than him. He never seems to hold a grudge for long, always ready and willing to extend an olive branch to anyone. Dan sucks in a long slow breath and tries to resolve himself to be someone that person could like.

Olga seems perfectly flattered by being offered such a role. She smirks a little and says, "Sure. I can help you out. What do you need me to do?"

Phil is up off his feet in an instant, talking a mile a minute and looking around for something to make a bit of a costume out of. Dan and Nadine share a quiet, hesitant kind of smile before they join in. They end up putting a palm leaf on Olga's head, strapping it on with Nadine's headband, and then she goes all out as sexy miaowing cat goddess. 

They're all trying desperately not to giggle behind the camera, and Dan feels lighter, buoyed by the knowledge that even someone as seemingly awful as Olga can also be fun and easy to work with. It's good for him, he thinks, to remember that people shouldn't be defined by their worst traits. As he watches Olga stand next to Phil to watch the footage back, her eyes flicking up to his face more than once, he hopes she's learning something too.

Olga is still in her palm leaf headgear when Charles and Alli stroll by, calling out to them. 

"What are you up to?" Alli asks, laughing. "Having an island fashion show?"

Phil has barely launched into his explanation when Nadine grabs Dan's arm, surprising him by squeezing it hard. "Ooh!" she shouts, making everyone stare. "I know what we should do! We should have a fashion show!" She stares at them, wide-eyed and enthusiastic. "Yes! I can be the designer, and you can be my models! Charles, you can interview me! Oh my god, it would be so much fun, say yes please, please, pleeeaaase?"

It honestly doesn't take long for her to convince them, and after that they're all off to their rooms, trying to come up with quirky costumes, Nadine hooking in more people on the way.

They all scramble around their rooms assembling their perfect costumes. There's a slightly frantic mood to it, as if everyone is extra determined to be nice to each other and wring every last ounce of fun out of their last day together. Dan is definitely feeling it; he knows some parts of their stay has been driving him up the walls, but he's still sad to be going home tomorrow.

Out of his messy suitcase Phil produces a pair of black slacks, a shiny black belt, and a glossy striped purple button-up. 

"Who are you and what have you done to Phil?" Dan asks and stares incredulously at Phil in his outfit.

Phil shrugs, "Brought it in case I had to dress like an adult at some point."

Dan's head is spinning. He kind of wants to tackle Phil to the bed and snap open that shiny belt, but the sound of someone's high-pitched laughter right outside their room reels him back in. 

He ends up draped like a Roman emperor in Phil's blue and green duvet cover, toilet paper draped artfully across his face and a decorative palm frond for a head accessory. He honestly thinks it's a pretty great outfit, clearly taking inspiration from some of Lady Gaga's latest fashion outfits, and so he feels very gratified when Nadine sees him and instantly seems to know exactly what he's going for.

"Walk, walk, fashion, _baby_!" she exclaims and high-fives him.

Yet he feels suddenly exposed, despite wearing essentially a cape and sunglasses. There's something weird about his outfit. The others seem to have gone for sexy or cool or some weird nineties combination of both. Dan's (and Phil's) way of dressing up is just different, he realises. 

It doesn't escape him that they have both covered up where everyone else has shed layers. He is suddenly embarrassed by Phil dressing up as a businessman with a lion's face, and that Dan himself chose to hide his face almost entirely as well. It feels like a commentary he didn't intend to make, but it's too late to take it off now, to be less obvious.

“Dan, Dan,” Charles says excitedly, “so explain your outfit.” He has his iPhone out and is filming on it.

Dan looks at the phone and finds himself lost for words. 

“What are you wearing?” Charles prompts and pans his phone down over Dan’s frame.

“Uh yeah so, I’m going with a kind of Lady Gaga style,” he says, feeling slightly embarrassed now that he has to put his idea into words. 

Phil crosses behind Charles then, adjusting the plush lion mask on his head. It's the same mask that has been pressed up against Dan's face while filming, and something goes through him at the sight of it now. He has a flash of what he realised the night before: these people will never truly understand him anyway, but that is unimportant. He doesn't actually need to be understood by them. He only needs to be understood by Phil. It's all he wants. It's all he ever wants.

This feeling of carelessness morphs inside him then, becoming a regular devil-may-care attitude. He poses campily for the camera and says, "I'm the love child of Lady Gaga and Caesar, can't you tell?" 

But he's already lost interest in interacting with Charles, or with feeling any need to explain himself. He sets off after Phil without another glance in Charles' direction, not even listening to his excited camera chatter behind him...

Nadine has selected the tiled walkway across the pool as their fashion runway. It's coming up on midday, and as they wait for everyone to line up Dan is beginning to regret his fashion choice of two extra layers of fabric. Phil is getting equally damp in his long sleeves, long trousers, and plush lion mask, and they spend some quality time complaining about the heat.

The walkway is a series of platforms close together, but still with pool water flowing between them. Phil is wobbly in his flip-flops and can't see much through the lion mask so he keeps misjudging his steps. He trips over his own feet as they're doing a pass-through all in single file, knee buckling and wobbling dangerously on the stone pathway. He rights himself and staggers back down the stairs before Dan can do more than suck in a breath of his own. 

"Are you okay?" he asks as he comes down the steps to Phil, reaching out for his arm. Phil takes it briefly, and Dan is struck by the physical connection, but he doesn't really give a fuck right now.

"I'm fine," Phil mumbles, pulling the lion mask off his sweaty face. "Just can't see where I'm going with this thing on."

"Yeah, it's pretty hot and uncomfortable," Dan says drily to remind him that he's mostly been the one wearing it.

Phil rolls his eyes and then gives a surprised-looking wince, glancing down at his foot. "Ow."

"What is it?" Dan says and when he looks down he sees that Phil's toe is bleeding. He's crouching on one knee before he has even thought about it, looking closely, Phil bent over him. 

Olga and Alli exclaim at the sight of the injury and draw in closer around them, but Dan is unable to pay any attention to their presence. 

"Does it hurt?" he asks, looking up at Phil briefly.

"A bit," Phil grimaces. "It's fine, though."

"Come on guys, let's go again!" Charles calls from where he's stood filming the procession.

"Can Phil have a moment, please?" Dan snaps out loudly in Charles' general direction, willing himself not to care what anyone is thinking.

He pulls out a non-noticeable corner of the blue and green duvet cover and dabs gently at Phil's toe, but Phil still hisses and clenches an arresting hand around Dan's shoulder for an instant. 

"Clean it with some water," Alli says and holds out a bottle. 

Dan splashes a bit over Phil's toe and wipes it carefully. He's so lost in playing nursemaid that he doesn't even mind where they are, only now realising he's fussing right in front of everyone. He hoists himself back up and looks at Phil.

"Do you think you'll live?"

Phil makes a dramatic sad face and sighs theatrically. "The show must go on. It will be my legacy when I die of gangrene in a week." But then he smiles, gently, softly, only for Dan.

This is what Dan meant that night, he realises. What does it matter what they all think? He gets to have this still. He gets to be loud and Lady Gaga and care about Phil and no one can say a bloody thing about it. None of it proves anything about him, and no one will ever _have_ proof unless Dan and Phil choose to give it to them. 

He laughs and shakes his head a little and signals Charles with a thumbs up that they're ready to go again.

*

The minute they finish filming Phil shrugs out of his shirt. He doesn't even bother with the lion mask, he just needs some air on his overheated torso. The others are congregating up by the pool, but Phil pauses down the set of stairs.

Right in front of him Dan flings off the blue and green duvet cover with a deep exhalation of relief. Then he stands stock still, eyes inscrutable behind his sunglasses.

"What?" Phil asks.

Dan shrugs. "Just really wishing you were doing that in our room," he murmurs quietly.

Phil feels an immediate jolt - of desire or surprise or fear he doesn't know - but Dan has already turned and gone up the stairs, so Phil follows behind, struggling out of the lion mask as he goes.

They waste no time getting in the pool after. Phil's been dying by degrees, but right now he's so happy he had the foresight to wear his swim trunks under the dress pants. He feels sweaty and gross and even just the chlorinated pool water feels good on his overheated skin.

They flop around doing backstrokes for a little while to cool down, and then they hang back with Sam and James to help Olga film her video. It's nice.

After a late lunch they take a nap on the deck chairs in the shade. The others are off on an excursion to go horseback riding, but Phil is extremely happy to just be lazing about. Horses are horrible, unpredictable creatures, and he is done having adventures.

The sun is beginning to set, the sea already blushing faintly with it, when they drift down to the beach. There are clouds rolling in, a different, denser feeling to the air, a faint smell of ozone as if it might actually rain.

"Look, Dan, there's a crab!" he says excitedly when one scurries sideways across the sand in front of them.

Dan snorts. "We have literally seen hundreds of crabs here, Phil."

"Yeah?" he mopes. "Soon we won't see any. Look at its eyes though." He follows it with his camera, trying to catch up with it, but it keeps running further and further away. 

"Just be careful it doesn't nip you," Dan says, keeping his distance.

"It wouldn't! It's cute. It likes me," he says and tries to pan the camera around it.

Something pinches the back of his thigh and he yelps and flails and throws the camera and twists and falls on his ass, and Dan is standing over him, clutching his stomach and laughing like a maniac.

"I'll nip you!" Phil threatens and launches himself at him, but Dan is quick and gets away before Phil is fully upright. 

They're chasing each other around, laughing and yelling, when a large group of people, seemingly back from their excursion, files down on the sand.

"Hey, silly billies," Alli says with a smile. "We were gonna take a sunset swim before dinner."

"Oh! Yeah," Dan says. "That sounds nice."

"Join us!" Charles says, already slipping out of his t-shirt and headed for the edge of the water. 

They look at each other briefly, shrugging in agreement. Phil goes to retrieve the camera, still lying in the sand where he threw it when Dan surprised him.

The sky is proper pink now, clouds flaming orange and purple. Dan swims out far, diving under the shimmery reflection of the water's surface and coming up even farther out, body almost just a silhouette against the colourful backdrop. He looks absolutely ethereal out there, water cascading off his body like a ridiculous caricature of a swimwear advert, and Phil fumbles with the camera, heart beating oddly fast. He just wants to remember this, remember that this was part of it too, that he got to see Dan like this every day for a week. That alone might have made it worth it.

Dan swims back to him then, smiling sweetly, and Phil forgets to breathe for a moment, until Charles and Alli swim up close and he has to tear his eyes away.

“What do you think you're gonna miss the most about this place?” Alli muses, looking out towards the horizon.

“Hmm,” Phil says, his eyes flicking back to Dan although he tries not to let them. There's not really a polite way to say that he won't miss much except the fact that Dan was half-naked most of the time. “The crabs.”

Alli looks at him in surprise. “The crabs?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Those little crabs everywhere. They're cute.”

“Oh right,” she smiles weakly.

“You're such an idiot," Dan laughs and splashes water at him. “I’ll miss the sea,” he says then, quietly and honestly. Phil feels that strange pinch around his heart.

“What will you miss, Alli?” Phil asks.

She tips her head back and half floats in the water. “All of you guys, of course," she says sweetly, and they all aww and exclaim and laugh. "Or maybe the buffet," she jokes.

"Yeah, definitely the buffet," Charles laughs.

She looks at Phil then, that same look on her face he's seen so many times during this trip, the one that always unnerves him slightly. "What will you miss the least then?"

He doesn't know what compels him to honesty, maybe exactly that look on her face. "I don't know, maybe all the people?" He shrugs a little, apologetically.

"Yeah, it can be kind of a lot," she nods wryly.

"What? No!" Charles says at the same time. "The people were the best part!" He slaps Phil's shoulder so it makes a sharp, wet smack that stings just a little. 

Phil smiles, though.

"I probably won't miss all the bugs," Charles says, and they all shudder and agree with him. "What about you, Dan? Thing you'll miss the least?" Charles asks.

Dan gives Phil a look that seems to go on for far too long considering where they are. Then he says, "The crabs," entirely deadpan. 

Phil laughs and tackles him into the orange surface of the water... 

It’s late, gone fully dark, by the time they make it back to their room. Phil feels shivery cold so he links their hands and drags Dan into the bathroom with him.

“What are you doing?” Dan asks, which is completely redundant because it's obvious, but Phil answers him nonetheless.

“What I couldn't do out there.”

Dan looks at him then, eyes big and serious. He stands there, hair wet and beginning to curl, as Phil fumbles to get the shower going, reluctant to let go of his hand.

Eventually Dan untangles their fingers. He makes short work of his damp t-shirt and wet swim trunks, leaving them in a heap on the floor and stepping into the shower. It's Phil's turn to stare as Dan gasps at the temperature of the spray and covers Phil's hand on the shower knob with his own large one. 

“It's cold.”

“Don't worry,” Phil says, stumbling as he tries to shed his own clothes, eyes never leaving Dan. “I’ll warm you up.” He’s already feeling his own temperature rising, cock filling lazily at the promise of what's to come.

Dan tips his head back underneath the spray and smiles, water streaming over his face and plastering his hair down, an exact copy of how he looked earlier in the water against the sunset sky. “Get on with it then.”

Phil slides in, hand slipping around Dan's waist as if magnetised, his lips coming up against the nearest part of Dan's face. The sensation of all Dan's smooth, supple skin slippery wet is thrilling, and Phil sweeps his hands everywhere he can reach as Dan tips his face and their lips and tongues come together in a wet messy slide. Phil swallows water, the taste slightly metallic and chlorinated.

He sinks to his knees then, and Dan gasps again, hands coming down to rest on his shoulders immediately. The water from the shower head falls more scattered down here, warm drops hitting Phil's skin intermittently, and it's a bit cold, tiles hard on his knees. But the view of Dan, water streaming down his torso, hair plastered partly over his eyes now, makes his heart soar. He tongues the tan line where the edge of Dan's swim trunks have been, kissing from one sharp hip bone to the other, but he can't hold back very long. 

He lets himself imagine that they're back by the river falls, that he's alone with Dan in a cave made from water gushing over the side of a rock. He hears the rushing of the shower and remembers the thunderous roar of the river, the memory of icy water droplets suddenly like caresses against his hungry skin. The weight and heat of Dan in his mouth is a perfect counterbalance to the chill, the taste of his come strangely diluted by the water. 

Staggering upright into Dan's arms, he feels a strange longing in his chest, something that makes him press his eyes closed tightly and call out wetly into Dan's shoulder when he brings him off with his hand.

When he comes back out of the bathroom, draped in several towels, Dan is sitting on the bed, holding Phil’s Xacti. He’s staring down at it, seemingly lost in thought. He looks up when Phil sinks down next to him.

“What is it?” Phil asks quietly, afraid of disturbing the weird, quiet mood between them.

“I don’t know how you do it,” Dan says, his voice sounding somehow far away, looking down at the sunset footage on the tiny screen.

Phil waits.

“I don’t know how you always find me. You could be filming anything. I mean, look at that view. But you just always put me in it. You make me look... like someone worth filming.”

He sounds so sad that Phil’s heart almost breaks. He doesn’t know what has brought this on. “You are. You are worth it.” He places a hand on Dan’s knee

Dan looks back at him, dark eyes sad and inscrutable. “You're... the best person in the world.”

His heart aches to hear these words now. “No, you are.” He squeezes Dan’s knee, feeling himself quivering with the emotion of earlier and now Dan's strange mood.

Dan just shakes his head.

“You can’t just steal my lines and think you’ll get away with it,” he teases then, leaning in and trying to look threatening.

The smile Dan gives him is still achingly sad. “Is it weird that I don’t want to go back home?" He pauses again as if to gather his thoughts. "This week has been unreal. Some of it has been so hard?” Phil nods. “But it’s so beautiful. And I still loved being here with you. I think I could love being anywhere with you."

Phil thinks he finally understands some of Dan’s melancholy. “You’ll still be with me when we get home. You’re coming back to Rawtenstall remember?”

Dan leans in to kiss him then, gently on the lips. It’s as if he’s trying hard not to say that that’s not the point. Phil twists, slips his hand from his knee into Dan’s hair, cold and curling wet under his fingers. His lips taste only of him, sweet and warm. Dan shivers then, goosebumps breaking out over his arms. 

Phil pulls back with a final kiss to Dan's lower lip. "Get under the covers?"

Dan nods, but he closes his eyes and leans his forehead against Phil's for another moment.

Dan is warm and slightly damp from the shower but his naked skin still feels glorious against Phil's when they finally climb into bed. Phil snuggles down under the light covers, rubbing himself exaggeratedly all over Dan and making contented noises until Dan laughs and pulls him in close to still him. He sinks down then, head against Dan's chest, hearing his heart thumping steadily under Phil's ear. He squeezes his arm around Dan's waist and sneaks a quick kiss to his sternum. Dan snakes his fingers into Phil's hair, his other palm coming up to rest on his shoulder. 

"Was it _too_ hard?" Phil says very quietly, remembering Dan's words earlier.

He thinks Dan is tilting his head down to look at him, but he doesn't want to move right now. Dan's fingers comb slowly through his hair.

"You've been so stressed out, I think," Phil continues when Dan doesn't answer, somewhat afraid of even opening this line of conversation, but not being able to bear the risk that their decision not to tell anyone has made Dan miserable.

Dan sweeps his hand down his arm and up again, giving it a squeeze, the other hand still gently working through his hair, and Phil spares a moment to wonder how he even does that. 

"It's fine," Dan says. "I'm not saying all the homophobia was exactly fun, but no… It wasn't too hard for me."

Phil makes a doubtful noise.

Dan tugs on his hair, pulling him up to his shoulder so their eyes can meet. "We got to spend an entire week together in Jamaica. That's insane!"

"We could have still spent an entire week in Jamaica and possibly been less sad," Phil points out.

Something dark passes over Dan's face. "You don't know that. You know it's not as simple as that." 

Phil breaks his eyes away and pets the smooth expanse of Dan's chest for a little while, trying to gather his thoughts.

Dan smooths this thumb along Phil's brows, probably trying to wipe off the frown there. "I actually think we've done well. I think we proved we can be totally professional together. I really like that people will judge us for our work - for what we do out there, not what we do in here. This is only for us."

Phil tilts his head up, and Dan meets him there, fitting their lips together so perfectly. He sighs into the small space between them. 

"We should sleep," Dan murmurs. 

Phil nods, but he can't resist stretching up for one more kiss. 

Manoeuvring them around then, Dan pulls him up against his back, and Phil slides in close and tight. 

"Maybe we can go back someday on our own," Phil murmurs sleepily.

Dan exhales then, not quite a sigh or a scoff. "Maybe. Maybe not Jamaica, though."

He feels a little jolt of embarrassment then and closes his eyes tightly against the back of Dan's neck. "Somewhere even better," he agrees.

END


	6. Epilogue

The heat and pressure is unbearable. Dan moans in undisguised delight, fingers digging into Phil's bedsheets. They can be loud here. No one is home. 

The sunlight is streaming in through the window, but the air is cool and makes goosebumps erupt all over his skin. He thinks vaguely they should be under the blanket but he can't concentrate enough to do anything about it. He rolls his hips against Phil again, slowly, and feels his brains dribble out his ears. The glide is maddening. 

Phil is panting, tiny short breaths in a staccato rhythm. 

Dan reaches down and squeezes his hip. “Breathe,” he murmurs.

“Easy for you to say,” Phil says, forehead tipping down to touch the pillow under him. He does something, flexes something, clenching around Dan, and they both moan. 

He kisses the freckled shoulder in front him, drawing his hips back slowly, clenching his teeth against the drag, concentrating on making it smooth when he reverses the motion. 

Phil hitches his leg up higher and finally breathes out fully, a long sigh that seems to go on and on. He is fully on his stomach by now, flattened against the mattress, Dan's weight on top of him trapping him and making it almost impossible for him to move.

“You gonna help me out here?” Dan murmurs, even though he already knows the answer.

“Mmm, I trust you, babe,” Phil mumbles, hand coming up to pat Dan's where it's still clenching the sheet next to his face.

Dan huffs a laugh and snaps his hips back quickly, making Phil dig his nails into Dan's skin and release that delicious high pitched noise he can't control. This position is not going to get them anywhere, Dan can already feel his arms straining and his lower back closing in on a cramp, but he rolls his hips and closes his lips over the mole on the back of Phil's neck, enjoying the small sounds of pleasure escaping from Phil's lips.

“Philip? Are you lot still sleeping?”

The voice is like a bucket of ice water over his head, and Dan freezes in terror. Kath sounds as if she is right outside the door.

“Mumdon’tcomeinhereSTOP!” Phil squeals in absolute terror, clenching so hard around Dan that he has to grit his teeth not to move or make a sound.

“Alright,” Kath replies, sounding mildly offended.

The laughter is building inside Dan’s gut, his entire body already shaking with it, even as the blush is spreading from his chest to his cheeks in pure embarrassment.

“There's cold cuts for lunch in the kitchen when you're ready,” she says.

“Okay thanks,” Phil calls weakly, sounding like he wants to cry.

The laugh bursts out of Dan without further warning, a horrible cackle that he tries ineffectually to hide against Phil's neck and the pillow. 

Phil squirms under him, bucking his hips up, but Dan doesn't move. He can't move. He's laughing and crying, and Phil's panic is only making it funnier. He can just make out the sound of Kath’s footsteps moving down the hallway.

“Stop laughing. That was horrible!” Phil cries.

“That’s the. That’s.” Just thinking about the words is too much, and he wheezes with laughter. Under him Phil huffs, slightly less horrified already. “That’s. Almost. The second time…” Dan gasps. He wishes he could move so he could breathe better, but his dick is still buried in Phil's ass and that just makes it even funnier.

“Stooop,” Phil says, really laughing now too. 

“I cannot believe Kath almost got an eyeful - again,” Dan laughs.

“It is definitely time I moved out,” Phil says, once their mirth has subsided a little.

“Hmm, I don’t know,” Dan muses. “It adds a certain something.” He punctuates this with a rocking of his hips.

“Don't,” Phil moans.

“Don't what?” He leans in close to Phil’s ear and whispers, “Talk about your mum?”

Phil bucks and squirms. “I will kill you.”

Dan laughs, low and quiet, and enjoys the way it makes Phil shiver. “I’d like to see you try.” He pulls back then. “Ugh, but we need to move, I’m cramping up.”

When they're resituated, Dan between Phil’s legs again, Phil’s hips on both pillows, heels on the mattress and arms around Dan's neck, Phil looks up at him and smiles. “No more talking.”

Dan gives an exaggerated pout. “None at all?”

“You're just going to say something horrible.”

“I would never! I would just shower you with praise.”

Phil pulls him down to kiss him, a blatant attempt at redirection. Dan lets himself enjoy it for a while, getting a rhythm going again and delighting in the way Phil meets him thrust for thrust now.

He pulls back but stays as close as he can manage. “I would tell you I love those sounds you're making.”

Phil whines and closes his eyes.

“Yeah, that one,” Dan grins. “And I’d say how much I love being inside you. But I also can't wait for you to fuck me.” Phil's hips stutter against him, throwing them out of rhythm. “I’d tell you you have the best ass.” He reaches down to squeeze one cheek and pauses for dramatic effect. “Maybe I should tell your mum she did a good job on it.”

Phil's eyes fly open and he glares, making Dan laugh again.

Phil retaliates by slipping both hands down to Dan's ass, kneading insistently so it's Dan's turn to mess up their rhythm. He feels it building at the base of his spine and pants sharply. When Phil slips a single finger into his crack, finding his hole with unnerving ease, he moans and hangs his head into the space between them. 

“I hate you,” he grits, pushing his knees up under Phil and reaching down to close a clammy hand over the head of Phil’s cock. 

“Your… mum…” Phil pants.

Dan's head jerks up in surprise. Phil, looking sweaty and done for, manages to smirk at him. It sets Dan off again, laughing hysterically. And then he's coming, laughing and coming and probably squeezing Phil too hard if the sound he makes is any indication. But he's laughing too, head tipped back and eyes squeezed shut and tongue twisting between his teeth as he pulses against Dan's palm.

Dan keels over afterwards, flopping onto the bed next to Phil and trying to catch his breath. He looks over at Phil who's already smiling at him.

“We’re the worst,” Phil says.

“We’re idiots,” Dan says.

...

"Are you decent?" There's a knock on the door to the downstairs office, Kath's voice muffled behind it.

"Mum!" Phil fairly shrieks, and Dan laughs openly at him. "We’re pretending that never happened! And we wouldn't do anything down here," he mutters, the latter part probably too low for her to hear. 

Dan pushes the plush lion mask off his face to wink suggestively at him from where he's sat in the leather recliner, dressed in Phil's white bathrobe and holding the inflatable lion Phil forgot to pack for the trip. 

Phil reaches down to punch him on the shoulder. "Shut up!" he hisses.

Kath still takes her time opening the door, pressing the handle down carefully and pushing it open slowly. She pokes just her head inside and looks at them. "Hello, Dan," she says warmly.

"Hullo, Kath," he replies cheerfully as Phil mopes at being ignored.

"Hello, love," she says to Phil then. "Are you boys ready for dinner? The roast is just about done."

"We're still filming, mum," Phil whines.

Kath scoffs a little. "Oh, you're always filming. Didn't you just film for a whole week in Jamaica? Be a good host and let Dan rest a little."

"Yeah, Phil, you've been working me so hard," Dan says and gives his most pitiful stare. 

Phil glares down at him, his back turned so Kath can't see.

Kath tuts at Dan, apparently buying his act, and says, "I think your filming can keep for a little. Come join us in the kitchen. We've hardly seen you and we want to hear about your trip." Then she ducks back out and Phil sighs heavily.

Dan snakes his fingers around Phil's calf where he can reach and gives it a little squeeze. "We're almost done. We can pick it up tomorrow, can't we?"

Phil pouts some more, but it's not really for show now. "I just want to make sure we have everything so we can edit it all together before you have to leave."

Dan gets up out of the leather recliner. He only has a couple more days in Rawtenstall before he has to go back south. They've been together for almost two weeks now and the thought of leaving gets harder to bear each time they have to split up. He pulls Phil into a tight hug. "We have time. I'm not going yet."

Phil squeezes back just as tightly.

In the kitchen Kath has laid out a veritable feast for them, and they exclaim gratefully. Now that Dan isn't busy remembering his lines he notices that he really is hungry again.

"Oh, Kath! I've really missed your food," Dan says, absolutely to show up Phil but also because he means it.

"Stop sucking up," Phil says casually, poking him in the side. 

Dan squawks and bats his hands away and they end up in an impromptu wrestling match right in Kath's kitchen.

"Now, now!" Nigel calls, coming through from the living room. "You're too long and tall to be fighting in the house like that." 

They settle down, Phil leaving his arm casually slung around Dan's waist. 

"Anyway, you're too nice, sweetie," Kath says to Dan, but she looks pleased nonetheless. "I'm sure you had lots of lovely food at that fancy hotel of yours?"

"We did," Dan agrees blithely. 

"Dan ate a squid!" Phil tells them, pulling a face. "A whole squid."

Nigel gives him an impressed look as he takes plates out of the cupboard. "Did you now? And how was it?"

"By far the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth," Dan says and frees himself to go over and take the plates out of his hands to set the table.

Kath tuts from the stove. "I hope they served you up proper food as well?"

"They had fruit loops!" Phil says as he sits down by the dining table. "I can't believe I've never had them before! We definitely have to buy some next time we're in Florida."

"They're just sugar and E-numbers," she says disappointedly as she sets down the roast in the middle of the table. "I hope you didn't let him eat them every day, Dan."

Dan gives her his best long-suffering look. "I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen."

"Hey! You ate them too," Phil pouts.

Dan kicks him under the table and Phil kicks him back and they spend a while playing footsie until Dan remembers Kath and Nigel with a bit of a start and glances over at them. 

Kath is looking at them with a fond smile on her face, Nigel shaking his head ruefully. Dan ducks his head and smiles a little.

“Did you meet any interesting people, then?” Nigel asks pleasantly as he passes Dan the potatoes.

Dan and Phil share a look. 

“Yeah, I’d say so,” Phil replies.

They give a basic rundown of who was there and what kind of content they create. Kath and Nigel nod and listen, asking polite and interested questions in a way that still surprises Dan. He doesn't know if he will ever become used to the way they engage in his and Phil's lives, the way they not only support and encourage them both but actually seem to remember the things they’ve told them before. 

Still there's a new slightly stilted tone to the way they're telling this story. Dan knows he was far more enthusiastic after coming back from E3 and Portugal, and Kath seems to sense it.

“You both seem quite tired,” she observes. “Was it not as fun as you had hoped?”

Phil shrugs and glances at Dan, and Dan looks back. He doesn't know how much they should really say.

“Well, now you have to tell me,” Kath says, looking back and forth between them.

Phil remains quiet, though, leaving the words to Dan. 

“We just weren't out, is all,” Dan says, deciding that this is probably something Kath and Nigel need to know.

“Oh,” they say in unison, looking surprised.

“And... why is that?” Nigel asks carefully. He doesn't know much about Dan's family because Dan usually deflects whenever they come up, but he has long since taken to speaking to Dan in an especially gentle tone of voice whenever he senses that a topic is uncomfortable for him. Phil may have his own issues with Nigel and how he handles things, but at least Nigel has never shouted at him or said ugly things to hurt him.

“Well, lots of cameras,” Dan says vaguely. “Hard to know where things end up. Plausible deniability is probably best for now.”

“Because people would judge you for it?” Nigel asks. Dan can tell he is already working up to be indignant about it.

Dan can sense Phil trying hard not to be sarcastic about his dad's question when he replies. “The world is what it is, dad. If we want this to be a career we have to be smart about it.”

“It sucks but it's true,” Dan says.

Kath gives them both a concerned, evaluative look. “That can’t have been fun, though. The two of you, trying not to act like the lovesick fools you are.” She tuts. “No wonder you've been acting the way you have since you came back.”

Phil drops his jaw. “What does that mean?”

She reaches out to pat his hand. “It just means that it's lovely to see again, love. And I'm glad you both came here. You can always be yourselves with us, you know.” She looks over at Nigel who hums in agreement.

Dan must admit he feels an odd sense of relief at her words. There's an ease to being here, a comfort that he hasn't ever felt anywhere else, really. In Kath and Nigel's house he can just be himself, can just enjoy being with Phil without worrying about how he comes across. 

Phil catches his eye then, smiling at him, sweet and besotted, so that Dan almost blushes. He tucks into his food, thinking that surely he can withstand anything from the outside world as long as he can have this when they're alone together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! [Like/reblog this fic on tumblr.](https://calvinahobbes.tumblr.com/post/186581011425)
> 
> JudeAraya made a beautiful [moodboard](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22587607) for this fic! Check it out!


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